Ever since I've found out about these teachings I've had a certain attitude in mind. Firstly, I would practice the first key, which involved acquiring a certain development of self-observation and awareness and the practice of the death. Than the second key, would be to practice alchemy and third key would be sacrifice for humanity.
Even though I had a certain level of progress in the beginning, I soon fell victim to entropy. Not once but repeatedly; over ten years to be exact. I always believed that working on myself first would be better, and I would attract the right partner for this work. And this seems to be the advice given here on this website. So I started to fear attracting the wrong partner. I felt that any person that I met before a certain level of inner purity and chastity is attained, would likely be the wrong partner. So I started to shut people out. And being someone who suffers from a social anxiety and avoidant personality disorder didn't help either. Perhaps the advice given to people that they should work on themselves first is for people who are seen as casanovas. Me on the other hand have been single all my life. Not a single relationship whatsoever.
If I continue to "work on myself first", I will probably reach the age of 40 and still be single. I now have become increasingly anxious feeling that I will never find anyone. Or that the person I meet will become a distraction and pull me away from these teachings, which makes me fear meeting people and almost feel anger for such unrighteous people to come into my life. I no longer have the strength to sit down and meditate. Instead of being more at peace, my egos have multiplied. Master Samael Aun Weor is right. Being single and remaining celibate for a long time causes problems. It makes the person cynical and turns them into infra-sexuals. The pranayama for single people is a good but not very powerful in transforming the sexual energy. I don't think Master Samael was single when he was my age. He was married already. Heck, he had a prior relationship before his marriage to Master Litelantes.
So I've started to think that my attitude is harming me. The foundation of change is alchemy. Everything else is a waste of time and only serves to keep egos at bay for a while before entropy kicks in. Besides working on myself requires me to face my demons such as fear of rejection, fear of commitment and fear of intimacy.
For most people, anxieties and desires are probably motivating factors to mingle with people. For me on the other hand, are things I ignore and see as negative things that need to be destroyed. But its ironic how such people have now found their partners in which they can practice these teachings in its entirety. Its ironic, because the spiritual path is more important than anything for me, yet I am failing to progress without a partner.
It would have been nice if other students could have shared their experiences. But given that is not allowed, perhaps the instructors have come across similar situations where people have actually feared getting involved with the wrong people. I personally feel like life is trying to swallow me up and push me away from the path. So how do we take a leap of faith and be open to love when there is so much fear that we might be heading down the wrong path, the horizontal path of life.
Nevertheless, I still believe that the type of people to mingle with is of utmost importance, and would only be truly open to someone who has a spiritual uneasiness and wants the same thing as I do.
So what say you? Do we go out and socialize with people, or do we sit inside our rooms and meditate on our egos?