I achieved astral travel consciously within months of studying Gnosis. Since then it has been extremely rare that I have any success and in an extremely limited capacity compared with the first experience. I was thinking back to those moments in the beginning on the night which I was liberated from my flesh. Everyone in the house was sick with a flu, I was healthy and doing many things like prayers, mantras, burning of incense, etc. to aid in the healing of my family. After everyone fell asleep there was an unusual peace in the atmosphere which I also had internally. It is occurring to me now that since then I have not really achieved that kind of happiness or peace within. I feel that it was a direct result of my work for the benefit of those who were sick. I am realizing that even though I am less angry, jealous, envious, etc. than I used to be, I am still not generally happy. Thinking happy thoughts, does not seem to do it. I have along way to go to be able to achieve astral travel as Peter Pan does. I do not have anyone to care for in the way that I have been taught in the Gnostic teachings. Those who are in need of healing, do not want the kind of help that I can give. Thus I have no soil in which to cultivate the happiness and peace that I was able to achieve in the beginning.
How can I once again cultivate happiness internally? I feel it is the only thing missing from my practice and now realizing that I have been missing it for so long without knowing it, makes me feel even more sorrow.