Sunday, 26 February 2012
  3 Replies
  2.2K Visits
<p>This is my second time typing this damn thing, the ask question butten aprraently doesnt submit it, instead it deleted it.<br /> <br /> I've been trying so hard over the past couple months to stop acting gay, and to stop feeling attraction to men, and to act more like a man, to sound and look more like a man. Because I heard some lectures and read some of samaels books where he says how evil "effeminates" are, which had me scared to death that my Divine Parents hate me so much, even though I have never engaged in sexual relations with ANYONE ever. I have always acted feminine, and my dad would alwys get angry and say "what are you?! a MAN or a mouse?" and I would always cry and tell him I was a mouse. More recently I have refined my feminine traits in my transition from male to female, along the way awakening spiritually Im scared to death about this! How can I stop acting and feeling this way?! I dispise lilith and nahama so much, if I could fight combat with the <a href="faqs/psychology/1761-what-is-ego.html">ego</a> I would tear it apart with my barred teath and there is no way it would survive this wrath it would be obliterated and DESTRTOYED I would Kill it more than it could even realize it would be so dead, damn dead! <br /> <br /> The <em style="font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; color: #000000; font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px; font-size: small;">Poisoninioskirian </em>vibrations have gotten a lot stronger since my last quuestion due to ineffective attempts to transmute my sexual energies. I have pretty much given up all but 30 seconds or drwaing a litle bit of energy upwars to make me feel good instead of like shit. My mind has become so fortified and it si so hard not to identify with it, I would do anything to get it to just die and be like it was 2 months ago when I had no thought and was in complete bliss. I feel like I am trapped under the earth.<br /> <br /> PLEASE! Help me! I dont want do be a failure. I LOVE my Divien mother. Namaste to yours</p>
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<p>EDIT::: My mental health disorders have also come back, my borderline where i am blissful one minute and deep depression 10 seconds later for no reason at alL! nothing external promted it. ANd also disociative identity disorder, childself feels so seperate from 2 other seeming personalities that I display and they have their own seperate memories</p>

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10 years ago
·
#653
Accepted Answer
There is always the opportunity for change. Do not despair. Be patient, serene and at peace. While this forum is not a place to resolve personal issues, what we can provide are the tools by which to alleviate your suffering.

Mental health is a serious issue, but it can be resolved. If you've had issues with mental disequilibrium in the past, you can work with the mantra "S M HON" given in Occult Medicine and Practical Magic to heal the mental body. I have used this with students in the past with such diagnosed disorders with much success. A healthy diet, good sleep schedule, and knowing how to have fun are essential to your health.

Keep praying, and do not psychologically flagellate yourself in a morbid manner. That type of attitude is not good. It is necessary to have a healthy love of oneself, an appreciation of your values and good qualities. To concentrate solely on your negative nature will make you negative and will draw you down into suffering.

Happiness is an art; become an artist. Surround yourself with good things, friends, people and family, if you have that. If not, you have support here: I have worked with many such people and there is always a remedy. Most of all: RELAX! Take time throughout the day just to sit down and relax, your mind, body and emotions. Sometimes an Epsom salt bath can help, or lighting incense (if that is possible in your living conditions). Find creative ways to keep yourself engaged and busy, so that your mind does not trouble you.

If you wish to talk more, do not hesitate to write back. May Christ shine on your path.

Joyful in hope, suffering in tribulation, be thou constant in thy prayer.

Benedictis, qui venit in nomine Domini. Osanna in excelsis.

"Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord. Hosanna in the highest!"

10 years ago
·
#653
Accepted Answer
There is always the opportunity for change. Do not despair. Be patient, serene and at peace. While this forum is not a place to resolve personal issues, what we can provide are the tools by which to alleviate your suffering.

Mental health is a serious issue, but it can be resolved. If you've had issues with mental disequilibrium in the past, you can work with the mantra "S M HON" given in Occult Medicine and Practical Magic to heal the mental body. I have used this with students in the past with such diagnosed disorders with much success. A healthy diet, good sleep schedule, and knowing how to have fun are essential to your health.

Keep praying, and do not psychologically flagellate yourself in a morbid manner. That type of attitude is not good. It is necessary to have a healthy love of oneself, an appreciation of your values and good qualities. To concentrate solely on your negative nature will make you negative and will draw you down into suffering.

Happiness is an art; become an artist. Surround yourself with good things, friends, people and family, if you have that. If not, you have support here: I have worked with many such people and there is always a remedy. Most of all: RELAX! Take time throughout the day just to sit down and relax, your mind, body and emotions. Sometimes an Epsom salt bath can help, or lighting incense (if that is possible in your living conditions). Find creative ways to keep yourself engaged and busy, so that your mind does not trouble you.

If you wish to talk more, do not hesitate to write back. May Christ shine on your path.

Joyful in hope, suffering in tribulation, be thou constant in thy prayer.

Benedictis, qui venit in nomine Domini. Osanna in excelsis.

"Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord. Hosanna in the highest!"

10 years ago
·
#705
The sexual energy got too strong. In the past 24 hours I fornicated 4 times. With an awakened consciousness now turned dark side, I have now begun to see floating blackness especially in the room that I used to meditate and sleep in.
My gaurdian angel communicates with me through my throat chakra and when I was talking to my roommate about giving up and killing my body, I started talking to him as if he was me and speaking all the advice that I needed to hear. I am not going to kill myself anymore, but I can't help but think I have failed the great work. the sacred-sex website has 4 transmutation for single people on it but all 4 of them have a 404 file not found error.
I have realized that no matter how much the sexual energy burns, even if it gets spilled it will still burn just as much, and therefore transmuting is the only way to get rid of the stupid urgancy to get rid of the fire that after a couple weeks of not transmuting begins to make you crazy and it starts to hurt and it becomes the only thing you are capable of thinking of until it drives you to go to a porn website and kill your monad.
So now my monad is dead, right? But I read that your monad will resurect if the right work is done. I tried writing to the temple of Alden telling them that I don't want to be evil, and that I don't know what I need to do but I need their help, but as with last time I wrote a letter in such fassion, I am poorer than a homeless bumb financially and all I have is jasmine, lavender and mhrr so I couldn't fragrence the paper on which I wrote.
The good news is even though I am now trapped in a mind that I cannot silence that just keeps goign no matter how much I try to not identify with it, I no longer have the Poisoninioskirian vibrations. They are gone! so I am not cynical anymore, however I am very depressed, my joy left me after fornicating, depressed because I am in desperate need of severe punishment. I took an ice water shower, I punched myself, I slapped my groin with a rubber spatula, I burned my hand with a kerosine lamp, I took a fork and scraped up my arm to make it look like it was my cat so my mental health case manager wont send me back to the stupid hospital which puts people on medications that kill the brain, and then I antagonized my cat to make her bite the crap out of my arm. But after all of this I still fell like I need to be severely punished, what can I do to get punished really bad? The onlything I can think of is to go downtown minneapolis at 2 am and hope to be mugged and assulted or maybe get hid by a car.
If I get punished enough will my being come back? I am really soory! I had to get rid of that force but I guess I could have thought of my divine mother the whole time instead of looking at porn, its like I lost my mind, I went crazy, absolutly crazy from restraing that force.
I tried the S M Hon mantra, it works awesome but only while I am singign it, as soon as I stop I go back to the corrupt thought. Every time I meditate my ego tells me that god left me and that there is no reason to meditate anymore
When should I start trying to transmute again, no methods are good, they all are not descriptive enough, I suck at visualizing, I really only see like weird flashes of light and some shapes and stuff that I don't really know what they are sometimes flashes of things but they are so quick I dont know what they are and they are so dim that they cant really be seen and my eyelids, I try to see something but unless it is through lust or fear I cannot visualize.
DId god take my consciousness back and leave me?
I want to go back to acting like a man, but for some reason I am afriad, but I don't know what of, I feel like a man again but I am still pretendign to be a girl. Is there a mantra for that?
the planet is going to be destroyed in less than a year, is there any hope for this miserable excuse of a person? If there isn't I may as well get started on the second death, I won't heseitate in killing my body, and then whatever body Im in next killing that one so I can get over this death thing ASAP, I want to start over again, and be a good little plant, than a cute little animal and then a faithful little person, until I Am. Maybe next time around I wont waste every human body by making progress and giving up. I am a giver uper. I want to martyr myself. I am such a martyr, was in past life, I will try to take on the karma of the world if I kill myself, okay? that way in my death you all will be liberated, and I will suffer on all of your behalf. so much better for it just to be me than for all of you to have to suffer. I like suffering, whether I admit it or not, I seek it out.
This is getting too long, but before I send this, I just wanted to say 2 things, first thank you so much for everything you are doing here, and second, that whether you realize it or not, the answers you give here are more important than you might think, the people who write on here may be at their wits end, and the questions they are writing are life and death, and when some of them don't get answered they might get even more hopeless!

If you find our resources useful and want others to benefit as well, make a donation to Glorian Publishing. Every donation makes a difference.

10 years ago
·
#706
Take a deep breath...and relax. Beating yourself up is not a solution to anything, and is harmful. Self-condemnation only further agitates and tenses the mind, and it becomes very difficult to see clearly in that state.

Take some time to regroup. I'm not sure where you read that the world is going to end in less then a year, but that is not stated anywhere in the works of Samael Aun Weor.

Look to the great Initiates and Masters such as Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, Samael Aun Weor, etc. They all started just like us: asleep and in darkness. But through the right efforts and guidance from their Inner Gods, they became completely enlightened Beings after lots of work.

Why then, should we feel hopeless? All of us have made many mistakes in the past, and each one of us is where he or she is now based on our previous actions. But there is always opportunity to change, even for the most perverse demons dwelling in Klipoth.

Find some inner peace. A walk in nature, a warm bath with incense, listening to classical music, visiting with a good friend, etc. These things can really help clear the mind. Don't simply brood over anything for a prolonged period, it's important to find time to just forget about things, so that when you come back to them you will have a fresh perspective.

Above all, it's very important not to become discouraged. As difficult as the work may seem sometimes, there is so much inspiration in the works of Samael Aun Weor and the teachings. Find what inspires you to look to the Divine and allow that to propel change within yourself.

Do not worry; cultivate the habit of being happy. - Samael Aun Weor

Only impersonal life and the Being can give us the legitimate happiness of the Great Life free in its motion. -Samael Aun Weor

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