I find this subject constantly contradictory in my mind, and whenever I stumble upon passages from the bible, the dhammapada, and samaels works, regarding this subject. I find it all seems contradictory..
I am seeking some clarification, or maybe an example, thats real world, if you could help..
For example, in conversation:
Sometimes, i find I can't have normal chit-chat conversations with people... this can leave me either stressed out, or totally apathetic and lacking in any compassion whatsoever, to the average mundane conversations.. I find myself trying to always lead conversations into a direction of the teachings.. but a side effect is, I feel like I can no longer have a regular conversation, without it becoming some strange thing... It's a constant battle between Fanaticism and Indifference, or at least this is what I observe. What complicates the scenario, is through happenstance, and serendipity, I constantly find myself meeting people whom are interested in the teachings.. So im in a position that i should be speaking about these things, as I try to grow away from having to always talk about this stuff..
And Aswell in regards to the inner work:
how does one balance Fanaticism Vs. Indifference? Because the teachings always stress the intense need to work on ourselves.. but in other places, says we need to virtually submit ourselves to be consumed by life itself, letting it ravage us and leave us crucified.. Yet, the most common recurring issue in my life seems to be having my time taken away from my due to circumstance, the time I use to practice meditation, the time I use to work on myself.. leaving me with little time to practice, and focus on my inner works..
So how does one have indifference, when the idea is that one should place their internal works and practices, above all else? Indifference always leads to wasted time in my case...If we are just guided by the whims of samsara.. or external circumstances, then we will always be pulled away from inner work, our society almost seems it has been designed itself to specifically to stop people from their own inner works.. So wouldn't it require great fanaticism and isolation then to break free from it? I just am trying to measure what fanaticism would be regarded as?
This seems contradictory inside my mind, and the stuff i read only reinforces my confusion.