Hello!
I'm new on my journey of working with my ego. Observing it and learning it. With our personal relationships, our ego comes out a lot (or mine does, at least). I've been really trying to understand and move forward from my egoic nature, but one place I get caught up on is my romantic/personal relationships.
I've looked a lot of places for an answer, but I've struggled to find a fully-fleshed one that has all the guidance I need. I've found this Glorian resource on it in Here and Now, Psychoanalysis Part 1. It describes a situation where one partner gets upset at another partner for not taking the trash out after being asked multiple times (the kind of thing that irritates my ego in my own relationship, among other things). This is what it says:
"So you're really having this relationship, that is not a parent-child relationship, it is two adults, but you want to tell the other person what to do, or they're not agreeing to it, the relationship is not set up the way you want it to be. So really when you start to think about it in that perspective, “it may be true that I'm always the one doing it, but really what is causing me the suffering is that the world is not the way that I want it to be.”
At that point you have the choice, relaxing and either accepting the world as it is, or not. That doesn't mean you completely understand that event, it doesn't mean that you completely comprehended that event but it might help you overcome that countertransference. What is written there is not that structural and transactional analysis will completely comprehend your ego, this is a way to help overcome some of this countertransference. It is by what is looking at what is going on and seeing what state your ego is in."
I'm still very confused. If my partner does something repeatedly after I tell them not to or vice versa, I don't know how I can just let it go. I know that this is the "resentful" aspect, but I still don't understand. I worry that it teaches that I can be treated however they wish to, whether or not it's respectful. I don't think it's too much to ask to be treated respectfully in a relationship. Where do you draw the line? What is considered "harm?". I don't know how to navigate "wrong-doing" in relationships coming from this perspective, because if we take the stance that "nothing is wrong or good, only neutral" we can set ourselves up to be genuinely mistreated by somebody. But---I also see the perspective that's written here. It wasn't expanded upon much beyond this, but I feel like it's much more complicated than that.
Thank you for reading, I appreciate it!
I'm new on my journey of working with my ego. Observing it and learning it. With our personal relationships, our ego comes out a lot (or mine does, at least). I've been really trying to understand and move forward from my egoic nature, but one place I get caught up on is my romantic/personal relationships.
I've looked a lot of places for an answer, but I've struggled to find a fully-fleshed one that has all the guidance I need. I've found this Glorian resource on it in Here and Now, Psychoanalysis Part 1. It describes a situation where one partner gets upset at another partner for not taking the trash out after being asked multiple times (the kind of thing that irritates my ego in my own relationship, among other things). This is what it says:
"So you're really having this relationship, that is not a parent-child relationship, it is two adults, but you want to tell the other person what to do, or they're not agreeing to it, the relationship is not set up the way you want it to be. So really when you start to think about it in that perspective, “it may be true that I'm always the one doing it, but really what is causing me the suffering is that the world is not the way that I want it to be.”
At that point you have the choice, relaxing and either accepting the world as it is, or not. That doesn't mean you completely understand that event, it doesn't mean that you completely comprehended that event but it might help you overcome that countertransference. What is written there is not that structural and transactional analysis will completely comprehend your ego, this is a way to help overcome some of this countertransference. It is by what is looking at what is going on and seeing what state your ego is in."
I'm still very confused. If my partner does something repeatedly after I tell them not to or vice versa, I don't know how I can just let it go. I know that this is the "resentful" aspect, but I still don't understand. I worry that it teaches that I can be treated however they wish to, whether or not it's respectful. I don't think it's too much to ask to be treated respectfully in a relationship. Where do you draw the line? What is considered "harm?". I don't know how to navigate "wrong-doing" in relationships coming from this perspective, because if we take the stance that "nothing is wrong or good, only neutral" we can set ourselves up to be genuinely mistreated by somebody. But---I also see the perspective that's written here. It wasn't expanded upon much beyond this, but I feel like it's much more complicated than that.
Thank you for reading, I appreciate it!
Accepted Answer
In such situations we need to distinguish truthfully whether we are protecting our own egos by trying to change our partner, or if we are truly in a toxic or abusive situation.
For some the truth might be that they are being abused and need to protect themselves. For others the truth might be that they love themselves (their egos) more than their partner.
Nobody can distinguish this for you. You need to consciously reflect on these situations (as long as there is no immediate threat to you). Meditate on what it is that feels hurt inside you. Put yourself in the perspective of your partner during meditation as well. Seek a truly objective perspective based on the true facts of the situation, not on what you believe that you have heard or what the other might have thought, etc.
The passage you have quoted is talking about the kind of quarrels with our partner because - for example - our partner is chewing too loud during meals and we are ultra-sensible to eating noises. Through our egos we might perceive the situation in such a way, that we are the ones intensely suffering through our partner. So we try to change our partner, we might berate them, we might even attack them verbally, etc. While in reality we need to recognize that it is our ego of pride, our ego of anger or maybe our chewing-noise-hating ego that is attacking us, that makes us suffer. In this case, the right way is to let go of these egos and accept the outer world as it is.
For some the truth might be that they are being abused and need to protect themselves. For others the truth might be that they love themselves (their egos) more than their partner.
Nobody can distinguish this for you. You need to consciously reflect on these situations (as long as there is no immediate threat to you). Meditate on what it is that feels hurt inside you. Put yourself in the perspective of your partner during meditation as well. Seek a truly objective perspective based on the true facts of the situation, not on what you believe that you have heard or what the other might have thought, etc.
The passage you have quoted is talking about the kind of quarrels with our partner because - for example - our partner is chewing too loud during meals and we are ultra-sensible to eating noises. Through our egos we might perceive the situation in such a way, that we are the ones intensely suffering through our partner. So we try to change our partner, we might berate them, we might even attack them verbally, etc. While in reality we need to recognize that it is our ego of pride, our ego of anger or maybe our chewing-noise-hating ego that is attacking us, that makes us suffer. In this case, the right way is to let go of these egos and accept the outer world as it is.
Many of your concerns are touched upon here:
https://chicagognosis.org/lectures/the-hermit-and-relationships
https://chicagognosis.org/lectures/the-hermit-and-relationships
For thirty years I sought God. But when I looked carefully I found that in reality God was the seeker and I the sought. -Bayazid al-Bastami
Accepted Answer
In such situations we need to distinguish truthfully whether we are protecting our own egos by trying to change our partner, or if we are truly in a toxic or abusive situation.
For some the truth might be that they are being abused and need to protect themselves. For others the truth might be that they love themselves (their egos) more than their partner.
Nobody can distinguish this for you. You need to consciously reflect on these situations (as long as there is no immediate threat to you). Meditate on what it is that feels hurt inside you. Put yourself in the perspective of your partner during meditation as well. Seek a truly objective perspective based on the true facts of the situation, not on what you believe that you have heard or what the other might have thought, etc.
The passage you have quoted is talking about the kind of quarrels with our partner because - for example - our partner is chewing too loud during meals and we are ultra-sensible to eating noises. Through our egos we might perceive the situation in such a way, that we are the ones intensely suffering through our partner. So we try to change our partner, we might berate them, we might even attack them verbally, etc. While in reality we need to recognize that it is our ego of pride, our ego of anger or maybe our chewing-noise-hating ego that is attacking us, that makes us suffer. In this case, the right way is to let go of these egos and accept the outer world as it is.
For some the truth might be that they are being abused and need to protect themselves. For others the truth might be that they love themselves (their egos) more than their partner.
Nobody can distinguish this for you. You need to consciously reflect on these situations (as long as there is no immediate threat to you). Meditate on what it is that feels hurt inside you. Put yourself in the perspective of your partner during meditation as well. Seek a truly objective perspective based on the true facts of the situation, not on what you believe that you have heard or what the other might have thought, etc.
The passage you have quoted is talking about the kind of quarrels with our partner because - for example - our partner is chewing too loud during meals and we are ultra-sensible to eating noises. Through our egos we might perceive the situation in such a way, that we are the ones intensely suffering through our partner. So we try to change our partner, we might berate them, we might even attack them verbally, etc. While in reality we need to recognize that it is our ego of pride, our ego of anger or maybe our chewing-noise-hating ego that is attacking us, that makes us suffer. In this case, the right way is to let go of these egos and accept the outer world as it is.
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