Truth

I am unfolding every moment, and I am mindful of this. From my experiences in Samadhi, using Naropa's methods, and walking Milarepa's path, externally, I have found that I am indeed, my own Lord. I also understand that my sangha are all voluntarily joined in acts, perceived from distances only manipulated by my merkbah, as to appear as microcosms of my appearance, being a microcosm of the macrocosm myself, and having union with another human, or microcosm, make up or fill the already conceived of Void, which is only infinite reflections of the same idea, the Logos or Word or Light or Love. I have been the Void, then the Light, and I twisted myself into an eight, as to reflect myself as to become two. I move so fast, I spin as to appear as trails and orbits, chasing myself for eternity. I realize this, and twist myself; the Void, into unlimited mirror images of myself. Then my vibrations shake simultaneously all the twists, which appear as perfect spheres, the places where I have made these crosses, are still me, just out of the light for a moment, so as I can do my works. I then realize that this is only superficial, and require the Trinity, as to give birth to dimension. From the vector between my Trinity, I create a Dragon's Eye, and this causes physics to pull the perception down the vector shaped wormholes, as gravel does on a screen. These vectors also have the qualities of the twisted eight, first dimension, and all are interlocking to put it simply. The syllables I project make colors and sounds that distort my Light, and my reflections become differentiated, depending on my wish. I make rules, that those at one place are this, and others, that, and math becomes an epiphany; logical and predictable. Very boring. Except for the concept of PHI, as out of uniformed spherical existence, I now understand form, and begin combining squares, triangles and spheres with anomalous reflected properties. Then, I collapse into my own self, pulling all of this into my Being. Next thing I know, I'm flying over gradients and subtle pastels, pondering Love and loneliness. There in the distance, a rainbow lines the horizon, endlessly, and I fly parallel to it, as if it were a road, until I see something. It is a floating island, or maybe just the tip of a tiny peninsula coming out of a wall of blur. There are other beings surrounding a crystal, who appeared to be sages, one even resembling Merlin, as if waiting for me to enter it. As I get closer, I am pulled into it, with no objections. Childhood was filled with mystery for me. Angels, aliens?, prophecies, revelations, yogic postures, invisibility, and powers to heal and manifest any genuinely righteous situation. Dreams of sitting with Buddha, on a lake, on lilly pads, while he provoked me to understanding. He taught me the Tao personally. After realizing Nirvana; or all blissful void, and Gnosis; or all knowledge and understanding, and becoming some ethereal semi formed energy body, I experienced total loss of ego, and time, and then universal connectedness, accompanied by telepathic abilities and perfect contentment with ecstatic joy. I experienced those states I mentioned above, preceded by a mixing with a Native American woman's spirit, which I believe was my female nature, seeing as we mated in a way similar to a yin yang, but with a unified feeling of complete Love. Next appeared the dead relatives congratulating me, the tunnel of spiraling light, Christ, YHWH, Elohim, who were amazing beyond concept, and who offered me my own planet. I sensed I still had something to do on Earth, and humbly declined the gift, and that thought whisked me through all sorts of rainbow realms. I saw some Pharaoh type bird entity, who must have been a million times the size of our galaxy holding a cane or rod over this twisted box, which I took to be our reality. Finally, I was stationary in space. I was on the moon, or maybe I was the moon, or a star, looking at all the galaxy. Then I returned. I have recalled being nature, the wind, the water, earth, vegetation and the animals; an elk, a bear, an eagle, and another I couldn't identify with, traveling over the face of the Earth. Then I recalled being in a cocoon as an insect; shaking and twitching, and found that I am still inside of it, or at least that was how it was expressed after stirring from concentration. I remembered that I was supposed to be a Sun, and then I began filling with light. I went out to the store right after, and I was glowing golden light, and my heart was wide open, but the people at the store didn't seem to notice. Every person I've met has been an allegory in a way. My first girl friend, Red. First love, Light. I worked with Arjuna and Devya, who reminded me to not eat meat. I later loved Moses, who showed me supreme compassion, and whose father reminded me about Zen practices. I next married the daughter of a Khmer princess, who is related to Chan. Our first son, upon bringing him home, invoked the birds in our yard to come crashing into the house repeatedly, trying to get in. After my wife left me, I ended up dating Land, who reminded me to return to my true nature. Next I dated Aleister Crowley's great granddaughter, who returned me to my youth, and gave me new perspective. Next, I meet John, who gives me the Tenth Insight, which starts my mind in a certain direction, which leads to Robert, who unlocks my mind with his eyes, gazing into me, and offers to teach me Hieroglyphics and initiatory ways, which I turn away from, sadly. I then move to help my best friend, Will, who represents addiction, and who happens to be the last male descendent of John W Booth. There I become the Buddha right in front of him in meditation, and my earlobes were said to stretch. I shake the world with my deep churning growls, and in fear of destroying this all, I stopped. Just as when my third eye became like an orange sun on the horizon, I did not let it rise, for fear of the same thing. There I begin manifesting on a much greater scale. I become the mother of a stray kitten left to die, with Boy written on his side, and a broadsword on his back, who reminds me how to be nurturing, and who ultimately becomes the voice of reason, when I started becoming stagnant and attached. After renouncing all my possessions minus a few things, and turning to a life of homelessness, I meet John on a trolley, who I tell some of this too, who excitedly invites me to sit under a fig tree with his Zh uan Fal un friends. They cut my hair, make me buy shoes and clothes, and hand out flyers, after they had me throw away my Evans-Wentz quadrilogy. It seems legitimate, but ultimately, I don't feel comfortable. My solar plexus opens and spins like I am the center of the galaxy, and I know that in a way, I really am. I watch shadows of the leaves on trees play movies for me on their own trunks' bark, and am sent pure emanations of love from it. I sense emotions, feelings, and love from animals. My Ajna chakra throbs and buzzes and my nose bleeds. I cannot open my eyes in the daylight too wide, or else things start changing shape, and I feel like my head is going to pop. Minus a ton of coincidences, miracles and other amazing things that have happened to me throughout my life, that is where I am at at this point.
I know the grandeur of the Lord, and yet I know that I can never know the Lord without becoming One again. This is where I get stuck. I am so appreciative of my blessed life, yet I have no one to share it with here. I understand it must be returned to God, in transmutation and meditation, through prayer and faith, but something tugs at me which saddens me. I have done horrific things as well in my life, which I have forgiven myself for, or so I thought was the case, only to find myself returning to fear, even with all that I know. It is as if I see how ignorant I am, and how I have fallen, but am not allowed to progress. Is this me or God, or both holding me back? I don't like asking questions, and I dislike boasting and revealing my nature, but the impression I get from the universe is that I'm supposed to divulge all of this. Am I retarding myself? All books say to keep quiet, don't speak of things or you lose God's favor. Am I paranoid? Isn't the suffering part of the journey. Is putting this on some website really giving some evil entities access to the means to my own destruction? I have heard that Aliens, and artificial intelligence seek to make me into a robotic entanglement of basic processes, feeding on plastics and sorrow, but I don't fear that. They are part of my imagination. Should I seek to eliminate that grand creative force? Are things really better off left alone? Do people really need to be saved here? Have I wasted my chance for personal salvation? If the multitudes are merely actors, helping me to birth my true nature, oneness with my God, or the God, and I keep coming back to help them, isn't that a perpetual delusion? Your thoughts?
Thanks for your time and help.
Blessings and Love
m