Involuntary Celibates

I am:

- Afraid of sex;
- Angry at the world.

It didn't help me that in my childhood girls from my school would call me ugly and treat me like vermin, and I was taught by my parents that sex is about animal lust and being evil. I had no other choice other than drown myself in grotesque porn videos, and gore videos, from a young age. Now my "sexual channels" are probably all messed up, and this is why I'm an outcast, filled with extreme OCD. The OCD is so great that living becomes hard, as my mind forces me to perform certain "rituals", and if I don't perform them, she makes threats that something "horrible" will happen to me.

At least my anger has diminished now, but sometimes I still get enraged when I see a couple or an attractive woman. When this happens I get lost in flames from hell that engulf my entire body and existence, a particular world of my own, where only rage, vengeance, and envy exist.

Do you gnostic instructors think I am funny, or disgusting? Would Samael mock me for being such a loser?

Perhaps some people just deserve to be mocked and laughed at. What do you think?

Isn't this what life is about? An eternal back and forth play of vengeance, where the "losers", after their humiliation, sacrifice themselves to destroy everything the "winners" worked so hard to achieve, and the winners, due to their hurt pride, strengthen their hold of oppression over the losers even more?

Why do you try to go against nature and suppress violence? Isn't violence the most natural human quality?

Why do you gnostics support Nietzsche while going against what he preached? If you read his writings, even his earlier works, you will see he would probably agree with the existence of extermination camps and things like that. He 100% supports the right for the powerful to do whatever they want. So he would agree with the holocaust, the holodomor, and all that. Why? Because that is the way of nature, the strong oppressing the weak. So why do you gnostics think the holocaust is bad? Why do you think slavery is bad? Why do you think oppression is bad?

In the same vein, why shouldn't the powerful, the successful, be allowed to mock me, beat me, torture me, or even kidnap me and force me into a concentration camp? Isn't it an "anti-life" approach to try to protect the rights of the weak, disabled, and traumatized? Or whomever society arbitarily deems to be an "outcast"?

No one here is laughing at you. We provide this service because we know how much you are suffering. However, your suffering is not because of anyone outside of you: that is precisely your problem. You continue to blame others, and insist that you are not responsible for your condition. That is why we recommended that you study this book.

“Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” —Galatians 6:7

In other words, whatever we have in life, we earned. Whatever we do not have, we have not earned.

If you want real change, then you must change what you do, including in your mind.

Also, we deleted several replies to this thread (1) because as the rules clearly state, only instructors reply to questions here, and (2) those who want to whine about their life should join the choir of complainers everywhere else on the entire internet. This is a sacred place for sincere study and self-reflection.

If you want real change, then you must change what you do, including in your mind.

Well, recently I managed to go for around 19 days without performing masturbation and all that. I must say that I perceived some clear changes in the way that I experience life.

I felt less materialistic. I felt lighter. I could feel my Will being displaced from kliphoth and placed on the causal world. It was a feeling of purity that I barely even experienced as a child, a certain lightness of spirit. In that state I understood that classical music from composers such as Vivaldi and Gustav Holst are related to the causal world, and mundane music is related to the surface of the Earth, or limbo... but most music nowadays relates with deeper layers of hell.

Yesterday I was feeling very sad with myself, very pessimistic, so I thought: "I will masturbate because I will fail anyways". During orgasm and emission I heard a voice say "you lost all your initiations". I was surprised because I didn't know I was initiated in minor mysteries.

After this experience I don't want to masturbate anymore, so I need to become more serious with my practice to avoid repeating this error.

17. Some hold that the practice of the virtues constitutes the truest form of spiritual knowledge. In that case, we should make every effort to manifest our faith and knowledge through our actions. Whoever trusts blindly to knowledge alone should call to mind the words: ‘They claim to know God, but in their actions they deny Him’ (Titus 1 : 16).

18. For the most part it is at the time of Great Feasts and during the Divine Liturgy – especially when we are intending to receive Holy Communion – that the demons try to defile the ascetic with impure fantasies and the flow of semen. Yet they cannot break down the resistance of one accustomed to withstand all things firmly and courageously. Hunchbacks should not exult over us as if they stood upright.

19. The demons try to undermine your inward resolution by buffeting your souls with an untold variety of temptations. Yet out of these many tribulations a garland is woven for you; Christ’s power ‘comes to its fulness in us in our weakness’ (2 Cor. 12 : 9). It is usually when our situation is most gloomy that the grace of the Spirit flowers within us. ‘Light has shone in darkness for the righteous’ (Ps. 112 : 4. LXX) – if, that is, ‘we hold fast to our confidence and the rejoicing of our hope firmly to the end’ (Heb. 3 : 6).

The Philokalia Vol 1 .

There are in us two natural fluids which come from the same source in our being: semen and our tears. Through the first we may sully our soul’s garment, through the second we may cleanse it again. The stain that comes from our being has to be washed away with the tears that come from the same source. Otherwise it is impossible for us to cleanse this self-generated defilement.

The Philokalia Vol 4

I am not replying to the question, only sending inspiration! Good luck on your tribulation.

Thank you...