First.. Thank you for all your help gnostic instructors.. My life has dramatically changed applying the practices over the last couple years..
The reason I write, is a long standing battle Ive been having.. And that is this inner yearning for a partner. And generally, this brings me a lot of suffering.. Being, in the past I was very foolish towards my x partner, whom I have 2 young children with ..I was not faithful, and really put her through a lot of misery . She does not have a lot of heart or patience for the children, and means to support herself to provide her and the children a safe place to reside.. So, we have been living together as roommates for the sake of the children over the last year.. So I can help, and so that the children may be around both parents.. We never fight, and we get along very well, almost like a family, going places and doing things, yet there is no "spark" on any romantic level, at least on her end..
I project an idealistic, virtuous view on her, on what a mother should be, on what a family should be.. And I suffer greatly.. Seeing her go out many days a week, to bars, staying out late, not coming back till 4 in the morning.. Leaving the children with other people, to go out.. I understand, really its my karma.. Its what I deserve.. Its only a fraction of what I may have done to her..
Though, there are times, even months when I am fine with it all.. Generally its when Ive had a lot of momentum in my practices, being aware, present, in the moment, remembering myself and perceiving things consciously, seeing the impermanence in everything, seeing her like a withering flower before my eyes, the children growing, aging before my eyes.. Knowing this is not forever.. Though, I quickly can come crashing back to subjective view like a plane crashing to earth.. Trapped, identified, suffering in my mind.. Full of anguish, pain, resentment, anger.. All these things to meditate upon everyday. To beseech with my whole heart for these parts of me to die.. These parts trapped, identified with form, identified with my thoughts, desires, longing, yearnings, pride, self esteem, every ego really..
I feel like Im trapped.. Stuck. Theres a part of me, that really thinks I can win her back over, by bringing her on the spiritual path, and she will awaken to a different view.. This part of me, thinks that the end justifies the means.. So if I can manipulate her through her lust by working out everyday, dressing a certain way, things like that, or playing on her pride, playing on her everything really, manipulating her egos, to get back my family, for the "sake of the kids", for the sake of a alchemical partner, for the sake of her soul, her development. I suppose, my ego, my justifications, are very elaborate.. Though then again, perhaps its not the ego, perhaps its what I should do.. I get very confused.. I suffer.
So desire is suffering.. I am happiest when I truly let it all go. But I need a partner to walk the path. I suffer when I try to seek out that partner, or even the thought of the possibility of being able to mend things with my x and that she may be that partner. I cant leave my kids and my x, my kids will suffer.. Do I just renounce everything, every desire, even the desire for a partner? Should I just serve my children and their best interest, putting all my desires second to them? My life as it is, has seldom opportunity for ever meeting anyone. Let alone that person be a spiritual person. Let alone whoever that may be, would accept that I live with my x partner.. Theres a part of me that just wants my x to meet someone that can take care of her.. Another part of me that wants to win her over. Another part that wants to just run away now, today, this instant.. Im full of contradictions, one moment to the next. I find stability for a few days, weeks, or months. But then it all comes back, the same as it was before.. The desires, the fear of thinking of not ever being able to have a relationship again.. Not that I identify completely with it all, but its there, and it brings me a lot of pain, anguish in my mind, heart ache.. I observe it all, and it doesnt feel good.. Prayers help, conjuration of the 4 and 7 help.. Meditation helps. Annihilation helps.. Things help.. But Im wondering, maybe Im supposed to suffer, maybe its the way Im paying my karma, maybe Im not allowed to transcend this, and at some level, my innermost is making sure I totally comprehend why it is I should never ever ever and I mean ever, do what I did ever again..
I dont mean to rant.. I have really no one to express any of this to.. Whatever guidance, input, suggestion, 2 cents, would be appreciated..
What I feel.. Is die to everything, every desire, and just serve. Serve my children, serve her. Repay what I took from her. To just suffer, abstain be silent and die..
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