My ego, the me is unbelieveable. This false 'I and mine' disease is so deeply ingrained. Overcoming lust is such a struggle. Not in waking but in dreams. And I know that my dreams are nothing but impressions that I havent dealt with in waking life. If I find myself lusting during waking hours and I try to pretend I did not do so, or it was 'harmless', then when I am asleep my own ego comes and kicks my ass. Or I should say I am tested and I fail. I used to be addicted to pornography for many years, before 2010. Since 2011 I have completely stopped looking for it and I am happy relatively that I can do so. Since 2010 I have also given up masturbation. Something that I never thought was possible. But here I am 3 years down and I have never done it since then. To me this is a great accomplishment. But I see that its also just the beginning. And in some ways its pointless, because I do have nocturnal emissions. Each time I am aware that ah I was lusting again, old habits die hard dont they. Well in my case it like a zombie that just wont die! Lol, but this is a test, thanks to master samael I know that there is no question of 'giving up'. I am just frustrated at myself because clearly I am not 100% serious. I want my cake and eat it too. And it doesnt work that way. Transmutation is a really heavy duty discipline. Walking on the razors edge. And if you are distracted and unaware and if you say oh just a little let me fantasize becaue it feels good to oogle at a beautiful woman, but because I am trying to be the enjoyer, I pay the price. I spill the cup. I sin against th3 holy spirit. I dont think there is another hanasmussen worse than me. Its going to be a real real nightmare struggle to behead this hydra ego that I have. Without the Divine Mother, even this much wouldnt have b33n possible. Oh what a hard path this is. But I have no choice. I am fallen. A sinner. And I have to save myself. The lucifer within me, the reflection of the Solar Logos tests me and I fail. Again and again. Ijust hope God doesnt give up on me. I must have lived thousands of lives like this, unawsre. In this life I have come across the teachings os Samael. And also Gaudiya Vaishnavism. I pray to Sri Krishna. Please, give me another chance to be w9rthy of your forgiveness. I will Iimprive. I will be more aware. I will overcome myself. I will surrender truly. I will cleanse myblack heart. And one day with Your grace your Divine Light will shine in my heart once again. And I will be worthy of being called a man. Of being your son. I aman Atma I am n9t this false ego. There is only pain and suffering in lust. Only gnashing of teeth. Oh Bhagavan Save me. From myself. SAVE ME, Iknow you are giving me the strength to do so. It me who is so adept at lusting that I pretend to forget. Crime and lust dont pay. I am grateful for all these lessons. Where else but on earth can we learn all this. Where else but on earth can we take responsibility. I love me life. Let me live it right. Oh Sri Krishna, I see how fallen I am. I see my duplicity and my fallen nature. I am ashamed to look at you. Please cleanse mw with your purifying fire. Aum.
Accepted Answer
Truly, the “I” is a book of many volumes.
How difficult was the dissolution of the “I” for me, but I achieved it. Sometimes when fleeing from evil, I encountered evil, and I cried.
For what use is vile envy and lust, if their pale furies writhe as reptiles?
For what use is fatal hatred of those who are ungrateful...? For what use are the libidinous gestures of the Pilates?
Within the depths of the most chaste men, the Biblical Adam lives inebriated with carnal passion, and delectably tastes the forbidden fruit, as does the naked Frine in the work of Fidias.
So, I would often cry out to heaven, saying:
"Give unto this fawn which is in me, science, the wisdom which makes the angel shake his wings. Through praying and penance allow me to put in flight the evil she-devils. Give me, oh Lord, other eyes, and not these that enjoy looking at the roundness of snow and red lips. Give me another mouth in which the ardent embers of asceticism can remain impregnated forever, and not this mouth of Adam in which wine and insane kisses are infinitely increasing and multiplying this bestial gluttony. Give me hands of discipline and penitence which can leave my back stained with blood, and not these lubricious hands of a lover which caress the sinning apples. Give me innocent Christic blood, and not this blood which makes my veins to boil, my nerves to vibrate, and my bones to crackle. I want to be free from evil and deceit. I want to die within myself, and to feel a lovely hand that pushes me into that cave that always welcomes the hermit."
So, by intensely working, oh my brethren, I arrived unto the kingdom of Death, through the path of Love.
Ah!... if those who look for the illumination would truly comprehend that the soul is bottled up into the “I”...
Ah!... if they would destroy the “I,” if they would reduce to dust their beloved ego, then truly, their soul would be free... in ecstasy... in a continuous Samadhi. Thus, they will directly experience that which is the Truth. - Gnostic Magic of the Runes
“Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes.” —Demosthenes
"Do not worry; cultivate the habit of being happy." —Samael Aun Weor
"Do not worry; cultivate the habit of being happy." —Samael Aun Weor
Accepted Answer
Truly, the “I” is a book of many volumes.
How difficult was the dissolution of the “I” for me, but I achieved it. Sometimes when fleeing from evil, I encountered evil, and I cried.
For what use is vile envy and lust, if their pale furies writhe as reptiles?
For what use is fatal hatred of those who are ungrateful...? For what use are the libidinous gestures of the Pilates?
Within the depths of the most chaste men, the Biblical Adam lives inebriated with carnal passion, and delectably tastes the forbidden fruit, as does the naked Frine in the work of Fidias.
So, I would often cry out to heaven, saying:
"Give unto this fawn which is in me, science, the wisdom which makes the angel shake his wings. Through praying and penance allow me to put in flight the evil she-devils. Give me, oh Lord, other eyes, and not these that enjoy looking at the roundness of snow and red lips. Give me another mouth in which the ardent embers of asceticism can remain impregnated forever, and not this mouth of Adam in which wine and insane kisses are infinitely increasing and multiplying this bestial gluttony. Give me hands of discipline and penitence which can leave my back stained with blood, and not these lubricious hands of a lover which caress the sinning apples. Give me innocent Christic blood, and not this blood which makes my veins to boil, my nerves to vibrate, and my bones to crackle. I want to be free from evil and deceit. I want to die within myself, and to feel a lovely hand that pushes me into that cave that always welcomes the hermit."
So, by intensely working, oh my brethren, I arrived unto the kingdom of Death, through the path of Love.
Ah!... if those who look for the illumination would truly comprehend that the soul is bottled up into the “I”...
Ah!... if they would destroy the “I,” if they would reduce to dust their beloved ego, then truly, their soul would be free... in ecstasy... in a continuous Samadhi. Thus, they will directly experience that which is the Truth. - Gnostic Magic of the Runes
“Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes.” —Demosthenes
"Do not worry; cultivate the habit of being happy." —Samael Aun Weor
"Do not worry; cultivate the habit of being happy." —Samael Aun Weor
Thank you for your reply Matthew Thomas. I am so grateful to Master Samael for quotes like these that you included in your reply. Its quite sobering and humbling and also fascinating and unbelieveable, just how deep the rabbit hole goes. And all this lust, is deep implanted, by me. By I myself! Its .......I shake my head in disbelief, but at the same time I am thankful for these lessons that I have to learn. Its so hard, because I made it hard. I am to blame for this fully, and surprisingly it feels good to accept this, because then I know that I have my work cut out for me. And taking responsibility for oneself is the only way to face your own created demons. There is no bigger enemy to me than myself. And as deeply rooted the lust is, the purifying Fire of the Divine Mother penetrates deeper. And its this Kundalini that can easily turn to ash all the roots of this hydra of ego and its resulting lust. During my bhakti yoga practice, during my attempt at transmutation when the 'member is erect' I do succeed. It IS working and thats the only reason that I have the strength to continue on this path. I am being helped, so much. Everyday I practice transmutation and sublimstion of the energy of lust and bring it up to my heart to transform it into Love as an offering at the feet of God, my Beloved. It is just that........the tests are severe! But they have to be, the must be. Its just very hard and embarassing and dissapointing, that in my dreams I have failed. But I know what to do. I know why this is hapening. So many times in my dreams I am aware! I remember the tricks that I play upon myself. Its hilarious, that I should fall for my own deception, but is tragic that I do. At times I am very happy in the morning, because I wake up and remember that I used my sword of awareness to cut the head of my own lusting ego that was in front of me. I even smile in my dreams because I am familiar with the games, and I can remember the Divine Mother and pray to Her, and I tell Her look! Look at what a fool I am. Thank you for showing me all of this fallen nature of mine, and giving me the strength to cut thru it, to burn it to ash. This is amazing. It does feel good, and very sobering. But the tests of temptation, are also hard. They are hard because I am holding onto the notion of being the 'enjoyer'. This is the root cause of the ego. In bhakti yoga I am taught that we are eternal servants of God, whome we serve in joy. But instead some souls, the decided that they wanted to be the Enjoyer and that God should supply everything to them like a servant. And God out of compassion cast them unto Earth, where there is so called enjoyment, but also karma. And instead of being 'rulers' of Gods creation, we became completely ruled by the 7 deadly sins. The way out of this selfmade mess, is Sacrifice. Do, not for your falseself, but do in His Honor. In His Name. With His remembrance. Then you will be cleansed of sin. In the Bhagavad Gita God is telling me this. So make love, not lust. Sacrifice the animilastic instinct of spilling the cup, and direct it to God seated in your Heart. With full awareness, enter into each other, and also enter within. Such opportunity of Chastity. And as Master Samael says, so terribly Divine! May I continue to humbly tread on this path, knowing that failure is my fault and all success is His Grace. AUM.
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