Hello!
I would like to ask how can I help myself. I feel emotionally "confused". It feels like nothing matters. I feel emotionally dead. This thing is quite some time. I do not know what to do. I started to fail in the teachings. My consciousness fell asleep again to that point where when I started Gnosis few years ago. I gained weight. I am easily depressed. I try to meditate on my defects. But they always outsmart me when I comprehend them a little. I turned to that point that I turned to gray tantra. I used transmute my energy for more than a year without significant loss (only night emissions took my energy from time to time to point that it had no power over me and I stopped losing my energy). At the moment I can battle my ego and transmute energy week or two, then my ego comes and bashes my head so tremendously that I fall in maithuna. My significant other is into Gnosis too. But she is so passive. It feels like I am all alone. She had some gifts when we met, but somehow she lost them when we met when I told her about Gnosis. She accepted Gnosis without hesitation.
I am at the point where I am all in wilderness, all lost. When I started Gnosis I lost my finances, I got debts, but my consciousness woke up. Now I have neither. There were times when I had my consciousness awake. I felt my Internal Being. I used to travel consciously in astral plane. It all came quickly to me (I'm 21yr old and started Gnosis at 18). But now it is all gone. I have big financial debts and very low income. Very many things that I take to do I fail. I became weak. My egos are overwhelming me. Because of the life difficulties I gained weight from nowhere and can't lose it (I am eating healthy food, which my fiancee's family seasonally are growing: potatoes, chickens, vegetables etc.) and I do not eat any pork meat or fast food, I eat in small portions, I am exercising. And I still can't loose my weight (there where moments when it started growing when I was exercising intensively and was on a diet). I have been to all kind of medical specialist. All my organs are in perfect shape. My blood is perfect. But my weight is 123kg while my height is 185cm. And all this weight was gain in a year (from 75kg).
How can I stop this destructive process? How can I get back on my feet? What is happening? What to do?
Help me please.
Sincerely,
Your brother in need.
I would like to ask how can I help myself. I feel emotionally "confused". It feels like nothing matters. I feel emotionally dead. This thing is quite some time. I do not know what to do. I started to fail in the teachings. My consciousness fell asleep again to that point where when I started Gnosis few years ago. I gained weight. I am easily depressed. I try to meditate on my defects. But they always outsmart me when I comprehend them a little. I turned to that point that I turned to gray tantra. I used transmute my energy for more than a year without significant loss (only night emissions took my energy from time to time to point that it had no power over me and I stopped losing my energy). At the moment I can battle my ego and transmute energy week or two, then my ego comes and bashes my head so tremendously that I fall in maithuna. My significant other is into Gnosis too. But she is so passive. It feels like I am all alone. She had some gifts when we met, but somehow she lost them when we met when I told her about Gnosis. She accepted Gnosis without hesitation.
I am at the point where I am all in wilderness, all lost. When I started Gnosis I lost my finances, I got debts, but my consciousness woke up. Now I have neither. There were times when I had my consciousness awake. I felt my Internal Being. I used to travel consciously in astral plane. It all came quickly to me (I'm 21yr old and started Gnosis at 18). But now it is all gone. I have big financial debts and very low income. Very many things that I take to do I fail. I became weak. My egos are overwhelming me. Because of the life difficulties I gained weight from nowhere and can't lose it (I am eating healthy food, which my fiancee's family seasonally are growing: potatoes, chickens, vegetables etc.) and I do not eat any pork meat or fast food, I eat in small portions, I am exercising. And I still can't loose my weight (there where moments when it started growing when I was exercising intensively and was on a diet). I have been to all kind of medical specialist. All my organs are in perfect shape. My blood is perfect. But my weight is 123kg while my height is 185cm. And all this weight was gain in a year (from 75kg).
How can I stop this destructive process? How can I get back on my feet? What is happening? What to do?
Help me please.
Sincerely,
Your brother in need.