Friday, 07 November 2014
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I would like to ask how can I help myself. I feel emotionally "confused". It feels like nothing matters. I feel emotionally dead. This thing is quite some time. I do not know what to do. I started to fail in the teachings. My consciousness fell asleep again to that point where when I started Gnosis few years ago. I gained weight. I am easily depressed. I try to meditate on my defects. But they always outsmart me when I comprehend them a little. I turned to that point that I turned to gray tantra. I used transmute my energy for more than a year without significant loss (only night emissions took my energy from time to time to point that it had no power over me and I stopped losing my energy). At the moment I can battle my ego and transmute energy week or two, then my ego comes and bashes my head so tremendously that I fall in maithuna. My significant other is into Gnosis too. But she is so passive. It feels like I am all alone. She had some gifts when we met, but somehow she lost them when we met when I told her about Gnosis. She accepted Gnosis without hesitation.
I am at the point where I am all in wilderness, all lost. When I started Gnosis I lost my finances, I got debts, but my consciousness woke up. Now I have neither. There were times when I had my consciousness awake. I felt my Internal Being. I used to travel consciously in astral plane. It all came quickly to me (I'm 21yr old and started Gnosis at 18). But now it is all gone. I have big financial debts and very low income. Very many things that I take to do I fail. I became weak. My egos are overwhelming me. Because of the life difficulties I gained weight from nowhere and can't lose it (I am eating healthy food, which my fiancee's family seasonally are growing: potatoes, chickens, vegetables etc.) and I do not eat any pork meat or fast food, I eat in small portions, I am exercising. And I still can't loose my weight (there where moments when it started growing when I was exercising intensively and was on a diet). I have been to all kind of medical specialist. All my organs are in perfect shape. My blood is perfect. But my weight is 123kg while my height is 185cm. And all this weight was gain in a year (from 75kg).
How can I stop this destructive process? How can I get back on my feet? What is happening? What to do?
Help me please.
Your brother in need.
7 years ago
Change comes from within. If you change internally, physical circumstances and situations will also change. However, bear in mind that as you confront your defects and combat your lust on a physical, emotional, and mental level, you will face resistance. This can occur in the physical world through ordeals, as well as psychological elements that you must comprehend and overcome.

Remain steadfast in chastity and you will have the energy by which to combat your defects. If you fornicate, you will have absolutely no force by which to work in yourself and produce change. Fornication destroys the soul. Chastity produces harmony, peace, comprehension, and love. Practices will not help if you do not abstain from the orgasm. In fact, you will make yourself worse.

I suggest you work with the magic of the roses as described in Esoteric Medicine and Practical Magic in order to help you maintain equilibrium as you defend your vow of chastity.

Remember that when practicing alchemy, you must not build up too much fire that it becomes uncontrollable. As Hermes Trismegistus taught, "Gentle heat and much attention."

In relation to performing this work, the only solution is to be steadfast in discipline and prayer. If you succumb to temptation, you only damn yourself. Remember that you always have a choice. Despite facing such challenges, salvation is within you. Wage war against yourself in order to find peace!

Joyful in hope, suffering in tribulation, be thou constant in thy prayer.

Benedictis, qui venit in nomine Domini. Osanna in excelsis.

"Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord. Hosanna in the highest!"

7 years ago
If I understand your answer correctly I need to try to change radically through comprehension, rather than through reckless internal actions. Thank you for that work of music you have posted, it is really nice, brings back feelings of childhood. :)
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