Dearest Brother / Sister
I want to thank you for the opportunity to be able to write my letter and share my journey and struggle for understanding and knowledge with you. I will do my best to keep it short and to the point.
Since the age of 4 I have been experiencing unknown “things” – seeing Jesus, seeing Angels, seeing demons, talking to people that do not exist, having knowledge that is too advanced for a 4 year old and telling stories no one understood. A few times there was physical contact made with me – literally feeling a touch and love.
At the age of 10 I truly felt lured to astrology, chakras, the universe (space), dragons, magic and the sort. I found that I was out of my body while sleeping a few times. Two of the times I can remember clearly. In the middle of the night I spilled a glass of water in my bed while drinking it, but was too tired to get up and get a towel. The whole time I said to myself, get up to get a towel but I was just too tire and wanted to sleep, then suddenly I stood up out of bed to get a towel (and get it over with) and at the corner of my eye I still saw someone lying in my bed, when I looked, I was shocked to find myself (my body) immediately I thought to just get back inside, for I thought that I was dying, because if I am here (the life) who is keeping my body alive?
The second instance was I was the age 12, I was sleeping on my stomach, lying on my arms and as I woke to turn around, I was 2 feet in the air. Not sure if it was in my body or out of my body. My parents didn’t believe me and said I was only dreaming. I could also remember knowing that I’m dreaming and realizing I can go to where ever I want, the unexplainable feeling of freedom that moves me from the inside until this day, if I ever think about it again. I also had lots of people visiting me at night, talking to me; I just can never remember what we talked about.
Over time, I grew out of it for the people in my life mocked me and thought I was strange and also not well. I learned to ignore it and to my realisation (at this moment) my Spirit fell asleep. Ever since I was in a normal Christian life I was taught that the things I experienced was from the devil and that I was involved with witchcraft, and God hated witchcraft and I needed to beg for His forgiveness. So I strived to excel in the Christian belief and did everything in my power to get closer to God. Lately I found that I have reach that religions limits and I have sucked it dry, for I have this tremendous need to be one / united with God (a need, no one truly understands)
Now I have been having dreams, visitations and visions where I do not know what to make of them. The most disturbing is the sexual dreams, I am very loyal to my husband and the sexual dreams feels wrong, this is always some stranger (man) that wants to have sexual relations with me, but due to my love for my husband, I do not allow them (then I read that I was being attacked and need to give a chant before bed) is a chant like prayer?
The most frustrating at the moment is I can pick up what people feel and sometimes think and it drives me crazy, for I can pick up on hate, violence and anger, and when I do, I dispear and fall into a deep depression where I struggle to get out of. It happened more and more and all together I felt as if the religion I am in, can’t help me solve nor explain these things.
The Bible (with all due respect) is not enough for me anymore and to be honest, I picked up that the God living in me, is sometimes not the God I read in the Bible and that some verses are in difference with other verses (please, I speak with utmost respect if I say this, I am only looking for the full truth)
So I set out on looking for answers elsewhere, even if I have to look in places my religion warned me not to look, how can a journey / quest on becoming one, getting closer to God be harmful? The way I know Him is that He will never let any harm come to His children looking to find Him and He is in everything, through everything and around everything. This helped me to push away the fear and keep going. So I came upon Gnosis / Gnostic / Gnosticism, and the more I read the more I found answers to what was happening to me all my life. I even dreamt about Gnosis teachings where at that time I knew it meant something, but was not sure what, I just knew that I must remember it and I will one day get the answer.
Now, here is my question. I feel completely and utterly divided, I feel lost but found at the same time. I feel like I’m betraying all I ever grew up to know, but nothing felt so right to me. I feel in between Gnosis and Christianity, although I know, Gnosis was the birth of every religion. I keep hearing to study myself and not to stop meditation. But the more I study Gnosis the more shocking it is to me, how blind humanity has become and what they found themselves and made others to believe.
The part where I truly hit the brakes is at magic… a large part of me recognizes it, but due to lack of understanding, I fear it and I fear that I will literally disobey God, not in only the magic part but in talking to other gods and so on (but then Psalm 82:6 says, don’t you know that you are gods? So are we only talking to our own “brothers and sisters”) I also picked up that Jesus the Christ taught it, but did He teach magic? If I decide to take “this” I will take it with everything I have, I will excel in it and let the will of God be done. I also realize that people took some of this knowledge and turned it into evil, how do I recognize it and where do I draw the line? So please, can someone help me understand, I do not want to deliberately disobey God, I want to be reunited with Him, not that I am apart from Him, but something is not right and with the whole thing religion / divinity / separateness, something is truly wrong with the way (most treaded path) everyone is so delightedly taking like sheep unknowingly lead to a slaughter. I feel driven to find the full un-tampered truth, find God and when I have become like Christ/like God (for I believe its my birthright), I want to help others become / awaken and mature in Spirit as well (to take up their birthright). I am aware that it does not happen overnight, it needs hard work, practice and patience, but before I give my all, I need an answer and if not, please be so kind to point me in the right direction…
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.
God bless
Karen
I want to thank you for the opportunity to be able to write my letter and share my journey and struggle for understanding and knowledge with you. I will do my best to keep it short and to the point.
Since the age of 4 I have been experiencing unknown “things” – seeing Jesus, seeing Angels, seeing demons, talking to people that do not exist, having knowledge that is too advanced for a 4 year old and telling stories no one understood. A few times there was physical contact made with me – literally feeling a touch and love.
At the age of 10 I truly felt lured to astrology, chakras, the universe (space), dragons, magic and the sort. I found that I was out of my body while sleeping a few times. Two of the times I can remember clearly. In the middle of the night I spilled a glass of water in my bed while drinking it, but was too tired to get up and get a towel. The whole time I said to myself, get up to get a towel but I was just too tire and wanted to sleep, then suddenly I stood up out of bed to get a towel (and get it over with) and at the corner of my eye I still saw someone lying in my bed, when I looked, I was shocked to find myself (my body) immediately I thought to just get back inside, for I thought that I was dying, because if I am here (the life) who is keeping my body alive?
The second instance was I was the age 12, I was sleeping on my stomach, lying on my arms and as I woke to turn around, I was 2 feet in the air. Not sure if it was in my body or out of my body. My parents didn’t believe me and said I was only dreaming. I could also remember knowing that I’m dreaming and realizing I can go to where ever I want, the unexplainable feeling of freedom that moves me from the inside until this day, if I ever think about it again. I also had lots of people visiting me at night, talking to me; I just can never remember what we talked about.
Over time, I grew out of it for the people in my life mocked me and thought I was strange and also not well. I learned to ignore it and to my realisation (at this moment) my Spirit fell asleep. Ever since I was in a normal Christian life I was taught that the things I experienced was from the devil and that I was involved with witchcraft, and God hated witchcraft and I needed to beg for His forgiveness. So I strived to excel in the Christian belief and did everything in my power to get closer to God. Lately I found that I have reach that religions limits and I have sucked it dry, for I have this tremendous need to be one / united with God (a need, no one truly understands)
Now I have been having dreams, visitations and visions where I do not know what to make of them. The most disturbing is the sexual dreams, I am very loyal to my husband and the sexual dreams feels wrong, this is always some stranger (man) that wants to have sexual relations with me, but due to my love for my husband, I do not allow them (then I read that I was being attacked and need to give a chant before bed) is a chant like prayer?
The most frustrating at the moment is I can pick up what people feel and sometimes think and it drives me crazy, for I can pick up on hate, violence and anger, and when I do, I dispear and fall into a deep depression where I struggle to get out of. It happened more and more and all together I felt as if the religion I am in, can’t help me solve nor explain these things.
The Bible (with all due respect) is not enough for me anymore and to be honest, I picked up that the God living in me, is sometimes not the God I read in the Bible and that some verses are in difference with other verses (please, I speak with utmost respect if I say this, I am only looking for the full truth)
So I set out on looking for answers elsewhere, even if I have to look in places my religion warned me not to look, how can a journey / quest on becoming one, getting closer to God be harmful? The way I know Him is that He will never let any harm come to His children looking to find Him and He is in everything, through everything and around everything. This helped me to push away the fear and keep going. So I came upon Gnosis / Gnostic / Gnosticism, and the more I read the more I found answers to what was happening to me all my life. I even dreamt about Gnosis teachings where at that time I knew it meant something, but was not sure what, I just knew that I must remember it and I will one day get the answer.
Now, here is my question. I feel completely and utterly divided, I feel lost but found at the same time. I feel like I’m betraying all I ever grew up to know, but nothing felt so right to me. I feel in between Gnosis and Christianity, although I know, Gnosis was the birth of every religion. I keep hearing to study myself and not to stop meditation. But the more I study Gnosis the more shocking it is to me, how blind humanity has become and what they found themselves and made others to believe.
The part where I truly hit the brakes is at magic… a large part of me recognizes it, but due to lack of understanding, I fear it and I fear that I will literally disobey God, not in only the magic part but in talking to other gods and so on (but then Psalm 82:6 says, don’t you know that you are gods? So are we only talking to our own “brothers and sisters”) I also picked up that Jesus the Christ taught it, but did He teach magic? If I decide to take “this” I will take it with everything I have, I will excel in it and let the will of God be done. I also realize that people took some of this knowledge and turned it into evil, how do I recognize it and where do I draw the line? So please, can someone help me understand, I do not want to deliberately disobey God, I want to be reunited with Him, not that I am apart from Him, but something is not right and with the whole thing religion / divinity / separateness, something is truly wrong with the way (most treaded path) everyone is so delightedly taking like sheep unknowingly lead to a slaughter. I feel driven to find the full un-tampered truth, find God and when I have become like Christ/like God (for I believe its my birthright), I want to help others become / awaken and mature in Spirit as well (to take up their birthright). I am aware that it does not happen overnight, it needs hard work, practice and patience, but before I give my all, I need an answer and if not, please be so kind to point me in the right direction…
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.
God bless
Karen