I am at a loss in my work. I always slip back into the same old habits. Despite my most sincere attempts at meditation, Self Remembrance, Three Factors, it is like there is no answer. I always, always, slip back. I really try to study these teachings every day, especially and above all the ones about psychology, in order to change my behaviors. But all of this seems to be of no avail.
I would really, really like to be an incredibly serious student. I would like to truly dedicate myself without fail, above everything else, to this path. But I am not able to make any fundamental change to my actual behaviors, because the ego simply resists the attempts of negating bad thoughts and behaviors. I will wake up one day, with every good thought, every sentiment in my heart, to not fall into the trap of lust. I will even remember beautiful things, like how it would be seriously beneficial to be free of lust, the beauty of the innocence of a child, etc, and I will really feel it... But then lust strikes, and well, I resist it for a while, but it simply takes over, and slip into unchaste action, despite my heart-felt conviction against it. Later on, I repent. This happens with some other vices as well. In reality I want to scream, I want to explode with fury and terror, because this is actually mind-breaking. My actions are opposed to my every intention. If this goes on any further I will honestly lose my mind.
I pray. I meditate. I study. I have not a single doubt in my mind that these teachings are true. I have seriously read even the responses on this website. I know to reflect the virtues of chastity. I pull out every stop when dangerous egos strike. In all of this it seems that I do not know how to remember my Self. I do not really achieve this state, but I try to, and perhaps get something close. But I am never able to maintain it. The ego always resists. It becomes too difficult. I really do not know what to do at all.
I have this post public for the sake of anyone who is suffering from the same issue.
Thank you. Inverential peace.
I would really, really like to be an incredibly serious student. I would like to truly dedicate myself without fail, above everything else, to this path. But I am not able to make any fundamental change to my actual behaviors, because the ego simply resists the attempts of negating bad thoughts and behaviors. I will wake up one day, with every good thought, every sentiment in my heart, to not fall into the trap of lust. I will even remember beautiful things, like how it would be seriously beneficial to be free of lust, the beauty of the innocence of a child, etc, and I will really feel it... But then lust strikes, and well, I resist it for a while, but it simply takes over, and slip into unchaste action, despite my heart-felt conviction against it. Later on, I repent. This happens with some other vices as well. In reality I want to scream, I want to explode with fury and terror, because this is actually mind-breaking. My actions are opposed to my every intention. If this goes on any further I will honestly lose my mind.
I pray. I meditate. I study. I have not a single doubt in my mind that these teachings are true. I have seriously read even the responses on this website. I know to reflect the virtues of chastity. I pull out every stop when dangerous egos strike. In all of this it seems that I do not know how to remember my Self. I do not really achieve this state, but I try to, and perhaps get something close. But I am never able to maintain it. The ego always resists. It becomes too difficult. I really do not know what to do at all.
I have this post public for the sake of anyone who is suffering from the same issue.
Thank you. Inverential peace.