When I self observe and self remember during the day... I noticed...

I have been making progress and can often get past the initial upsurge and after many times of doing this i notice that I want to suffer this defect. Why?

I am not interested in suffering anymore but yet part of me actually wants to get involved with that sensation. What is that all About? The ego wants to be hypnotized by trauma, purely for pleasurable (or painful) sensation... is this related to the 49 levels of the mind?