Hello again. I've been thinking about this for a couple days. I'm a 25 years old male and I never had a real relationship. I lost my virginity at 20 and probably I gained a significant amount of bad karma till this year. I used to be sexually deviant and I decided to straighten myself out just like a recovering alcoholic. Even before I found here.
Master Samael says that one cannot activate his solar bodies and awaken his consciousness without using Sexual Magic. I never had a girlfriend, in fact I never even had sex without paying for it. I always "almost" had relationships with women but all of them ended before they even started. I spent many of my years by loving someone who didn't love me back, I was unable to like women who liked me. And when feelings were mutual, something always came up, even in forms of self-sabotage. People say it might be related to past lives or bad karma. I tried to clear those problems, but improvements are minor.
So what if it's my destiny to be alone? I want spiritual progress, I want to be free of suffering, I want to be closer to God. Are those really impossible without having a wife? I've closed myself to deviant forms of sexuality (including masturbation) and women who'd do that. I always try to meet new people to see if I can find someone for me. But what if I can't and what if I have to stay celibate till the end of my lifetime? To be honest I want to be with someone, I'm not saying that I'm an advanced person who has no interest in anything but spirituality. I want to experience a loving relationship maybe as much as I want liberation from suffering. How do I know if I'm not meant for happiness in that aspect of my life, if it's really like that? Or what should I do?