I can't believe I am writing these words. I don't know why I am writing these words. This should be the last place to write these words.
I am 31 years old and have done the unthinkable. After all I know about the Gnostic teachings, and all the books I have studied of Master Samael, I was still stupid enough to go ahead and do this. I gave into the temptation.
I feel that life is over for me now. The Gnostic Spiritual Path is out of reach for me now, for I am unworthy of it.
I don't feel worthy enough to see, to hear, to move, to eat or even breath air.
I don't feel worthy enough to love or to be loved anymore, by anyone.
I want to simply be wiped out of existence now, for I know even suicide will not save me from my miserable existence.
After being a virgin for more than 31 years and suffering increased temptation in the last ten, and even more increased temptation in the last three, I went and did an act that I regret, that I find shameful, abominable, despicable, something only the low-life scum of this world would do. If only I could turn back time and prayed more ardently to rid me of the temptation I was feeling. If only I could go back and knock some sense into myself, what I would give now to exchange the shame for the temptation. It would be better to suffer the torments of temptation forever, than to live a single second of this shame that I am feeling now. I feel like I can't be happy ever again.
I paid money to an escort agent to sleep with me.