When I am trying to do my Innermost's will, I find that my limited understanding of Innermost's will is something that my ego uses to foster itself. I have struggled with this a lot over the years.
For example, I love to draw. And sometimes, when I do it, it feels wonderful, like I'm a conduit for something greater than myself. But, at other times, I can feel aggregates that relish praise for my work, images of fame, others being envious of my skill, etc. Then I find myself wondering: am I drawing and sharing my work because my Innermost wants me to, or because of selfishness? Anxiety appears. So, I stop drawing. But then, I see how that's also laziness taking over, as I dive into other things and excuses for not drawing. So this mess of egos bolster themselves, meanwhile, I lose the inkling that art is bigger than my egos.
It's the same with acts of kindness for me. I'll find myself doing something good, like listening to others, and moments later, feel the pull of an ego that enjoys appearing good. It makes me feel like hiding away, like I'll only do damage, but that is itself ego, too.
Is this part of the path? Trying to do God's will, seeing how we warp it into our own, and trying to do God's will, anyway? Or is evidence of getting trapped in the mind -- God's will versus ego will, dualism?
Any guidance appreciated. Thanks for reading.