Being stuck in a situation where one is deprived of any possibility of acquiring a bride in order to practice alchemy with in a proper established marriage, I was bramachari and constantly transmitting with pranayamas and other methods taught in gnosis. My awakening and evolution has been rapid and great. However after reaching certain levels of accomplishment the ordeals increased in difficult and certain defects which I thought were eliminated, return to attack with ten times the strength. Then I suffer a fall and feel so guilty and paranoid about any karma I caused. I understand that the keys to killing the animal lust egos is in tantra, and my pa s t life actions have put me in a situation where getting married has been delayed for a long time. My repentance is genuine and my dedication to gnosis is absolute, I know this and my divine mother does as well, however every once in a while I fail an ordeal proving that my repentance must not have been as genuine as I thought. I don't know what to do, and live in fear of the karma I caused myself.what can I do to pay my debts for falling ? I always transmute and meditate with increased enthusiasm after these problems and reach new heights of liberation, until after 8 months of so the cycle continues. Please help. I continue to prove to myself that I am weak and not a saint no matter how hard I try to be. Can I overt punishment by charity?
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