Hello. I'm having some troubles. I am challenging my lust and have been working on becoming chaste* for a while. Once I go a couple of weeks with no release, I recently have been getting wet dreams for the first time. In my opinion this is far worse than willingly releasing. I am aware that my thoughts the night beforehand follow me into my dreams which is I'm sure the main culprit. I'm aware of my soul and spirit following me into my dreams as well. I am still working on replacing my impressions and healing my heart and not just suppressing the lust. But I feel like I am getting nowhere. My meditation is out of balance because of this too (I think). So how can I use meditation to help me if I can't meditate because of what needs fixing? I mean the physical act of meditation not just constant awareness.
This is extra difficult because of health reasons, I pretty much don't leave home for months at a time and have just about nothing keeping me from myself besides will power. In fact this lust I think is a big reason behind my health problems to begin with so you can see the pickle that I am in..
Besides this I have been a truth seeker since I was a child and now that I feel like I have found it, I feel as though I am the only one on earth who is in this battle for truth in spite of many having achieved this before me. This gets to me big time after a relapse because I then feel even more awful for fighting such a battle alone. I'm sure looking back at this that I've written it looks like I'm complaining, but not having a guide besides myself gets to me. Even Dante had Virgil. Maybe I shouldn't have written this because I already have the answers within. Regardless my earthly self is reaching out for earthly help.
Lastly I have been driven to appreciate and participate in art all my life. Such as visually, musically ect..but I feel like I'm choking. Like my artistic nature wants to breathe and flow but something is cutting it short and my creativity just won't come out. All of this has been hurting me for as long as I can remember.