What I want from you it is advice assistance, guidance, towards a proper solution.
I do not know what to do. All this time I tried to be strong at what would happen after my choices. Until I met my husband, I was not at all independent and dependent on my parents and relatives, and even now I am, and did not knew about the Gnostic teachings at all. Now everything is so hard, I am all-round upset, responsibility and duty fell on my shoulders. We are still waiting for the increase in the family, with financial problems. My parents and relatives misunderstand my situation and that I do not live like they used to.They blame my husband in everything and even myself. They are trying to talk to me more pleasant because I am pregnant, although it is does not help to solve the existing problems.
My husband and I follow the teachings of Gnosis, we work with our defects, meditate and so on. To him it is all simple and successful, while I am like in the pit and can not do anything. I failed many times even how stubbornly I tried to succeed. I try to work with my defects, meditate (I fail on this, due to poor concentration and distractions I fall asleep quickly ) and to carry out my duties as a citizen and as a wife.
I fail in all things, when I think what is right my husband shouts on me and scolds of how selfish I am, that I can't do anything properly, that is all my fault, that I even can't motivate him. I do not know how to motivate him, and everything is too tense now. When I fail again he shouts on me and try to scare me that he'll do that or that and I alone will be paying our debts. In those moments I more prefer to sit silently, sometimes cry of how awful and weak I'm. Then he starts scold at me more, because I choose to sit and cry instead doing something. I know that he wants just to help me, even if it's hard for him to see things from my point of view, but his methods are not helping me. He more demotivates me than helps, but I appreciate his hard work to help me and efforts to do best for our family. Other woman in my place would be motivated to improve herself, but not me.
It's so painful inside, empty. I don't even want anything. I just want to throw everything away, even my life. It's hard when I don't have were to search for answers or where to ask for advise. Please help me to stand up, while it is not too late, while I still have strength to do it in my own will. From where to start, that I would not be disappointed and depressed? How to transform my husband's help from demotivational feel to the positive outcome? What should I do with this inner confusion? How to start over again on this Gnostic path and go further? How to find strength to live this hard life, when it is hard to find job, having nothing just debts? How to find peace and balance inside me?
I'm sorry for long post. I hope you will understand my situation and give some insight.