Saying here in this topic, that i am not looking for a reward is pride. What started as acknowledgement when I said awhile back that i was "looking for a reward" turned into pride the other day when i posted that i have made the biggest of sacrifices and "i do not look for reward"
Here are a few points i took from the course.
-"As much as they tried to feed their desire, the desire only grows"
this is Satan, Satan cannot be sated but is always trying to sate.
-"Competing longings and desires" i had desires for riches and then i tried to justify this by explaining where Uranus was at the time of my birth. As a gambler i desired riches and as a student aspiring to become a "great one" i desired riches outside the home in a foreign land and to have these riches or fame. After reading the Bible, this does seem like God's plan for everyone, but it is only possible with God.
-"Mind stream afflictions" are worst for me It is somewhat painful the changes that go on in the head when i try to instantly stop all thoughts of beauty and desire to be with someone. The feeling is basicly that of the brain saying "wait you're not used to this, beauty is good". Beauty is good and realizing all of this is natural to me but desire or being trapped in these thoughts lead me to masturbation. And then .. the pattern of looking for reasons for my sufferings elsewhere.
-"Bhava as ecstasy" is possible when life is, without desire and with genuine concern for others and with seeking forgiveness and by "working on our defects". But the fact of suffering remains in our other desires too, not just our desire for beauty and if i pay attention i can see that anything we recieve must be with and from God.
-When I think of "priestly services" just in my life at this moment, i think of cooking for family and how i stopped because i was not recognized enough for it (in my own misguided opinion) Which was seeking and wanting more than i already had, the fruits given to me so that i could feed myself and others. Thoughts turned into bitterness and it was no longer my duty as "Satan" to perform these services, which were not a gift from me, but a gift from God.
This word actually seems like a combination of Mars, Jupiter and Mercury. Mars as action, Mercury as the messenger and Jupiter as wisom.
-Acting as if "everything i interact with is Christ" all the time is hard when trying not to identify myself as Christ.. Using teachings and writings from the Bible in a way to lead me to believe that nobody should be called Christ, but be Christ like, this difference leads me to think everyone is against me and i am going to be killed or sacrificed. Not many thoughts that we could all be here to live die and sacrifice or that we are all Christ. This was ill egotistical thinking because it does seem just in observing, cognizant that everyone is Christ, in everyday life, that we do all have a part.
Talking about my death and not talking about what is born is also egotistical because i think that it could be pride or boasting if i talk about the new man i am becoming or.. what i am leaving behind, because i never realized that birth and death are one. The only thing i ever talked about, or, i should say, complained about, was my actual physical death and this has not created or given birth to anything new.
We are rewarded based on our efforts. If we are single and work every day in transmutation, comprehension and annihilation of our defects, and sacrifice for humanity, we will be helped.
If we are married but do nothing with ourselves: we do not meditate on our ego, and we do not transmute, then the Law has nothing else to do but to punish us.
Just because one is married and practicing alchemy does not mean there is progress at all. I have known many hasnamussen (demon-beings with split personalities between heaven and hell) who practice alchemy, but who do not work on their ego.
However, I have known of many great yogis who were single in the past who developed tremendous wisdom as bachelors or bachelorettes,
We are rewarded based on our efforts, not on whether we are married or not. If we are single and making tremendous changes, then the Law will aid us in finding a suitable partner to work in the higher stages of the path.
For men and women who guard their chastity, and for men and women who engage much in God's praise, for them has اللَّهَ Allah prepared forgiveness and great reward. Al-Azhab [33:35]
For thirty years I sought God. But when I looked carefully I found that in reality God was the seeker and I the sought. -Bayazid al-Bastami
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