Like so many of us, I have a very difficult combination of egos that I've been trying to combat. But, if it's appropriate, I wanted to seek any advice from an instructor about this particular battle. (If this is too specific, please delete!)
I constantly, incessantly think and feel that my actions hurt or offend others--in everything from conversations to small day to day interactions (my tone of voice, glances or averting my eyes), I imagine, others are hurt by me and hate me. I ruminate over times when I think or am certain that I have hurt others in the past--churning over events in late nights or early mornings. I imagine others are raw in their suffering, still affected by my stupidity, cruelty, or neglect, and they are also telling others about how horrible I was or still am, or else quietly suffering.
In a mechanical, egoic "self observation," I judge myself to be horrid. Over and over. My Goliath, it seems at this superficial stage I find myself, is largely characterized as a beast of immense shame, self hate, and fear. A strange Goliath, who takes other egos of pride, gluttony, envy, and others and uses these to feed and reinforce the larger, immense hatred and condemnation of my actions and myself.
Consequently, I have tried to compensate for this in a variety of (mechanical) ways over my young adult life: being overly apologetic, over compensating by offering to do too much for others and trying to anticipate others' needs and wants, trying to seem happy and sweet, not advocating for myself, being submissive, seeking reassurance, and then feeling immense shame for that all the same. To some outside eyes, it may seem I am a genuinely, extremely good person, always willing to sacrifice my time and energy and being generous with my money--I even do such things when no one will notice my "good deeds"--but these actions mainly stem from great fear and hatred of myself and a sense that I am horrible, selfish, cruel, and insensitive, a person who, if I didn't torture myself over past and current mistakes and offenses, would hurt others even more than I already have and constantly do in my day-to-day life.
My mind stream is mostly this, but not all--I do have some hope, and am following some longings for care and true compassion for all beings--I started seeing a therapist a few months ago, and have returned to studying gnosis after years of my fears taking hold. But this is a daily, hourly, minutely struggle, and I have even started taking medication to help this strange obsessive-compulsive, shame, anxiety beast I have fed in my life, perhaps over lifetimes because it is so, so debilitating and strong.
Is there any advice that you have for my case? I am greatly appreciative and have found solace in other responses on this forum about guilt versus remorse, and egos of shame, but any additional thoughts would be immensely appreciated. I have thought of trying the magic of the roses, but fear I am not prepare for this treatment (is it ok to use if my consciousness is so deeply trapped, even as I type this?), and I waver between what mantras to work with, since I do need both intuition and Christic healing (om masi padme hum), and protection (klim krishnaya...) from my own, so strong and tricky egos.
Thank you for your time and energy. All the best to you in your own battles!
I constantly, incessantly think and feel that my actions hurt or offend others--in everything from conversations to small day to day interactions (my tone of voice, glances or averting my eyes), I imagine, others are hurt by me and hate me. I ruminate over times when I think or am certain that I have hurt others in the past--churning over events in late nights or early mornings. I imagine others are raw in their suffering, still affected by my stupidity, cruelty, or neglect, and they are also telling others about how horrible I was or still am, or else quietly suffering.
In a mechanical, egoic "self observation," I judge myself to be horrid. Over and over. My Goliath, it seems at this superficial stage I find myself, is largely characterized as a beast of immense shame, self hate, and fear. A strange Goliath, who takes other egos of pride, gluttony, envy, and others and uses these to feed and reinforce the larger, immense hatred and condemnation of my actions and myself.
Consequently, I have tried to compensate for this in a variety of (mechanical) ways over my young adult life: being overly apologetic, over compensating by offering to do too much for others and trying to anticipate others' needs and wants, trying to seem happy and sweet, not advocating for myself, being submissive, seeking reassurance, and then feeling immense shame for that all the same. To some outside eyes, it may seem I am a genuinely, extremely good person, always willing to sacrifice my time and energy and being generous with my money--I even do such things when no one will notice my "good deeds"--but these actions mainly stem from great fear and hatred of myself and a sense that I am horrible, selfish, cruel, and insensitive, a person who, if I didn't torture myself over past and current mistakes and offenses, would hurt others even more than I already have and constantly do in my day-to-day life.
My mind stream is mostly this, but not all--I do have some hope, and am following some longings for care and true compassion for all beings--I started seeing a therapist a few months ago, and have returned to studying gnosis after years of my fears taking hold. But this is a daily, hourly, minutely struggle, and I have even started taking medication to help this strange obsessive-compulsive, shame, anxiety beast I have fed in my life, perhaps over lifetimes because it is so, so debilitating and strong.
Is there any advice that you have for my case? I am greatly appreciative and have found solace in other responses on this forum about guilt versus remorse, and egos of shame, but any additional thoughts would be immensely appreciated. I have thought of trying the magic of the roses, but fear I am not prepare for this treatment (is it ok to use if my consciousness is so deeply trapped, even as I type this?), and I waver between what mantras to work with, since I do need both intuition and Christic healing (om masi padme hum), and protection (klim krishnaya...) from my own, so strong and tricky egos.
Thank you for your time and energy. All the best to you in your own battles!
Accepted Answer
You can use the roses. They have no requirements other than being in need of healing.
While it is important to meditate on our defects in order to understand them, it is not possible to understand them if we do not understand what they should be. So, meditate also on the qualities of the Being. Pray constantly to understand why shame is a defect, and what should be there in its place. The only way we can truly rid ourselves of a defect is if we understand not only that is causes suffering, but that there is a superior quality that brings happiness. We only remain attached to defects because we do not understand there is a better way. Stated simply, replace a negative emotion with a superior one.
It is painful to have empowered an inner critic that seeks only to make oneself feel terrible. Yet, this can be changed. Learn to counteract that force by using the power of the opposites, in order to reach the third position: equilibrium. So, when your mind is condemning you for an imperfection, rebuke that mind and remind it of the Being, which is inside of you, and which has all the perfections. In this way, you can establish the third state of consciousness: self-remembering, in which there is no judgement, only awareness and peace of mind. All of this is explained in The Revolution of the Dialectic.
While it is important to meditate on our defects in order to understand them, it is not possible to understand them if we do not understand what they should be. So, meditate also on the qualities of the Being. Pray constantly to understand why shame is a defect, and what should be there in its place. The only way we can truly rid ourselves of a defect is if we understand not only that is causes suffering, but that there is a superior quality that brings happiness. We only remain attached to defects because we do not understand there is a better way. Stated simply, replace a negative emotion with a superior one.
It is painful to have empowered an inner critic that seeks only to make oneself feel terrible. Yet, this can be changed. Learn to counteract that force by using the power of the opposites, in order to reach the third position: equilibrium. So, when your mind is condemning you for an imperfection, rebuke that mind and remind it of the Being, which is inside of you, and which has all the perfections. In this way, you can establish the third state of consciousness: self-remembering, in which there is no judgement, only awareness and peace of mind. All of this is explained in The Revolution of the Dialectic.
“Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes.” —Demosthenes
"Do not worry; cultivate the habit of being happy." —Samael Aun Weor
"Do not worry; cultivate the habit of being happy." —Samael Aun Weor
Accepted Answer
You can use the roses. They have no requirements other than being in need of healing.
While it is important to meditate on our defects in order to understand them, it is not possible to understand them if we do not understand what they should be. So, meditate also on the qualities of the Being. Pray constantly to understand why shame is a defect, and what should be there in its place. The only way we can truly rid ourselves of a defect is if we understand not only that is causes suffering, but that there is a superior quality that brings happiness. We only remain attached to defects because we do not understand there is a better way. Stated simply, replace a negative emotion with a superior one.
It is painful to have empowered an inner critic that seeks only to make oneself feel terrible. Yet, this can be changed. Learn to counteract that force by using the power of the opposites, in order to reach the third position: equilibrium. So, when your mind is condemning you for an imperfection, rebuke that mind and remind it of the Being, which is inside of you, and which has all the perfections. In this way, you can establish the third state of consciousness: self-remembering, in which there is no judgement, only awareness and peace of mind. All of this is explained in The Revolution of the Dialectic.
While it is important to meditate on our defects in order to understand them, it is not possible to understand them if we do not understand what they should be. So, meditate also on the qualities of the Being. Pray constantly to understand why shame is a defect, and what should be there in its place. The only way we can truly rid ourselves of a defect is if we understand not only that is causes suffering, but that there is a superior quality that brings happiness. We only remain attached to defects because we do not understand there is a better way. Stated simply, replace a negative emotion with a superior one.
It is painful to have empowered an inner critic that seeks only to make oneself feel terrible. Yet, this can be changed. Learn to counteract that force by using the power of the opposites, in order to reach the third position: equilibrium. So, when your mind is condemning you for an imperfection, rebuke that mind and remind it of the Being, which is inside of you, and which has all the perfections. In this way, you can establish the third state of consciousness: self-remembering, in which there is no judgement, only awareness and peace of mind. All of this is explained in The Revolution of the Dialectic.
“Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes.” —Demosthenes
"Do not worry; cultivate the habit of being happy." —Samael Aun Weor
"Do not worry; cultivate the habit of being happy." —Samael Aun Weor
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