It has been over a year since I began my studies of Gnostic teachings and I’ve now reached a point where the essential foundations for such a way of living (by constantly dying) has become clear.
Up to this point, I’ve inundated my intellect with lectures, books, contemplation and conversations. From a philosophical point of view, I’ve received an abundance of elucidating concepts in regards to death, sexuality, karma, suffering, nature, virtuous living, the refinement of senses and true self-cognizance.
However, somewhere along I must’ve overlooked the signs saying, “Beware! For some of you, once you’ve delved into a certain amount of these mysteries, there is no turning back! You’ll no longer be able to fool yourself in the same way! At a certain point, your only options will be to walk the path by the grace and guidance of the Lord or to sink shamefully and miserably into the abyss!”
Inexplicable tears come to my eyes even in this moment when I consider this. Lately, it appears that the teachings have begun to seep past my puny intellect and into my cold heart.
My mother would always say, “Don’t cross your eyes or they will get stuck like that!” Well it’s as though they’ve already been crossed all my life and as I’ve gone deeper into the teachings, they’ve been uncrossed without me realizing it and now they’re stuck like that…uncrossed!
My sight used to be so simple and fuzzy. Now it is clearer and there stands before me a loooong road leading to three towering mountains, each more daunting than the previous.
When I go about my daily life, practicing the transformation of impressions, one of my biggest challenges is transforming the anguish I feel when witnessing my own delusion reflected by my fellow intellectual humanoids. My heart hurts and it makes me sick to my stomach, because it’s all “my self.”
So, I imagine them surrounded in the light and glory of their Divine Mother. Then I turn the corner and before I know it, someone is stimulating my pride or my lust. I rejoice and thank my Innermost for revealing the disgusting aggregates to me and meditate on them that night.
The meditation goes well and I’ve learned a bit about my psychological imprisonment. I go to sleep and the meditation radically alters the coarse of my dreams. Now, the holy war is on and I threw the first stone.
Over the next week, I am challenged by increasingly difficult and oddly synchronistic ordeals. Eventually something pushes me over the edge and sweeps the rug of faithful diligence from beneath my feet. There I am again, overturned, humbled, remorseful and nearly depressed. Then it’s hard to get out of bed in the morning, read scripture, play music, serve humanity and I’m beseeching divine intervention to help me out of this mess.
Well, that’s happened a number of times over this last year and here I am now: extremely cautious, humbled and aware of my enslavement. I can say that I am very much afraid and caught between worlds.
I am afraid to die within myself. I don’t have a very high tolerance for pain. Even physically, I am easily burned and can barely face the dentist. What has scared me the most is that things only get more difficult as I pass ordeals and my Innermost knows just how to always take me one degree past my threshold.
I have experienced this many times now. I long to serve humanity, refine my senses and be called unto the righteous. I know that I do have tremendous willpower, but that it’s just trapped in my ego. Worst of all, I have seen so much bitter suffering and there’s no turning back.
I am a young, wedded man in my mid-twenties with lots of “opportunities” and temptations. My wife and I are both practicing gnosis.
Though I long to make my “freedom and endowments meaningful” and establish my permanent center of gravity within my true self, I am fearfully wary of trotting into the battlefield with a false sense of valor only to be smitten by the merciless mechanicity of nature.
“Trust your Innermost! Pray! Meditate!”, says my mind-heart. Indeed, this is the vicious, self-perpetuating cycle of my psychological song. It’s a classic and iconic Arcanum 6 conundrum. How interesting it is that this sort of predicament is so easy to classify until it’s in your own back yard. Some would say that having it in your backyard should make it easier. Maybe that's right...
But alas, here I am again in this moment, at the beginning of a new wave of my own conscious pursuits, afraid, remorseful and vulnerable. I don’t know if this qualifies as a question but these are my raw sentiments. Any support would be appreciated…
Thank you and may you be infinitely blessed