This post may seem a bit silly, or perhaps somewhat immature, but I felt I needed to ask this. I have been following Gnosis for about half a year now. Now that I am being "tested", I feel I need guidance. Hopefully someone can shed some light on this.
I have been dilligent in my studies. I was making great progress, finally being able to relax enough to reach meditative states... Being able to recall my dreams after a year of not dreaming at all... A powerful astral experience... More self-control and strong self-observation...
My main motivation throughout all of this was to become a better person. I had hurt my significant other over the course of a 4-year relationship through means of emotional and sexual neglect and pride. Never physical or anything like that. But I was simply never there when she needed me, constantly left her hanging on to empty promises about me becoming healthier or nicer or more affectionate. Four years is a long time to do this to someone, let alone someone you care for deeply.
As of yesterday, I found out that though she still cares for me, things are definitely not the same and she began dating someone else. Now, I know this is where all my lessons and knowledge come into play. Yet somehow, everything I have learned eludes me because the ego has got a very tight grip on me. I am in love with this girl, but I'm not placed in a position where I must let go of her, and it's beginning to get so difficult I am having trouble finishing my shifts at work.
Should I view this from the Gnostic perspective? That she deserves better than what I could offer in my present/past state of consciousness, and I should be happy for her now that she found someone who can offer her what I cannot?
I feel broken inside and I am losing motivation. I feel like my higher self knows this is simply ego - ego attaching me to a person. Then wreaking havoc on my mind with dark thoughts and nasty emotions. The mind is raging - I cannot seem to control it.
Can anyone offer any direction? How should I approach this situation? Are there any lectures available on letting go of attachment, or absolute acceptance?
Also, I'd just like to say that though I try to meditate I still have not been able to achieve a proper "meditative state". Maybe this would help?
Any help or guidance would be very much appreciated.