Did I waste my chance at a full awakening?

<p>Last month I was taken down a path that lead me to the Nag Hammadi Scriptures and other esoteric teachings.  While sitting and studying Gospel of Thomas, I was looking to find some hint to what the 3 word Jesus spoke to Thomas in secret might be.  I came across a commentary that spoke of the 3 words Kaulauka, Saulausa, Zeesa and began to research them.  As I was researching them I began to feel what I could only describe as an "orgasm type" feeling between my genitals and anus and pressure around the area internally.  The sensation remained until I slept that night.  The next day I telling my wife about the experience and the sensation returned.  I began looking into Gnostic meditation and when I started to practice it the sensation grew stronger in my lower body and eventually spread to my upper body as well but to a lesser intensity.  After about a week of meditating every day, I started to meditate more.  I am certain that what I was experiencing was what Christ described as the Holy Spirit.  I was laying in bed reading the Essene Gospel of Peace and suddenly I began to experience the most intense full body "orgasm type" sensation.  It was completely overwhelming me.  I actually began to have a physical reaction to it because it was so intense, my throat began to close up and my chest got extremely tight.  I was afraid I was going to freak out so I meditated on a candle and was able to calm down.  However, I think I hindered the process of something very special.  A night or two after this happened I was laying in bed and I began to meditate.  I heard a whisper say "we have lost another who hungers..."  Immediately my eyes opened and I didn't know if I was sleeping but I didn't feel as though I had awoken from sleep.  I was much more alert than that.  This disturbed me because I didn't know what it meant.  As time goes on I am having more and more problems meditating.  It seems I just keep thinking about other people and I want them to know about what I have experienced but the more time goes on the less I can feel what I have been feeling.  I did begin to have cold or flu like symptoms after the extreme full body experience.  I have read about others having similar experiences which they have deemed a Kundalini awakening, but others experiences seem more extreme than mine was.  Did I stop something that I can never again experience?  It seems it is the only thing I want anymore.  My whole life I have had extreme anger problems and lust-fullness but it seems after these experiences they have completely disappeared.  I'm also learning more about the transmutation of sexual energy and I believe this is part of what I experienced but my wife and I made love recently and before I knew what it meant I allowed myself to spill seed.  Have I ruined my chances of reaching a full awakening?  I feel I have done a terrible thing and have wasted a wonderful gift.  Everything I have experienced I didn't learn what it meant until after it happened.  I have to believe that I am just going through a learning phase and that I can reach an even higher level of gnosis when I am ready, but I have nobody to turn to in my life for these questions.  Can I get back on the path or have I wasted my chance?<br /> <br /> Thank you in advance.  Peace be with you.</p>