I'm not sure if anyone else is/was like me. I knew that my lifestyle was not going to take me all the way through what needed to be done (this work) but I lived it anyways because it was enjoyable.
At the same time I did keep up with practices quite well and have been transforming quite a bit. However, deep down I have always known that I was not 100% dedicated. I know I am gifted to a certain degree and I am not saying this out of pride. All I am saying is that I know a lot of people have things that they have trouble getting past. Sometimes they have a trouble with the author, other times they have tremendous trouble with willpower, their mind, or their pride. I have been gifted in the sense that I never had any trouble the the material, my willpower sufficed to break through dozens of fundamental barriers, and in a basic sense my mind or intellect are greatly suited towards this work.
So while I have at times been very dedicated towards achieving certain goals, I have not been dedicated in a complete way.
I have been studying two different sources in depth. Firstly, the topic of "Super-Discipline" in The Revolution of the Dialectic
, and that of course includes the offshoot of James the Epistle (or Jacob). The other source was the entire site, but specifically I was reading Gnostic Groups and the Mind.
"I have fed you with milk and not with meat, for hitherto ye were not able to bear it, neither yet now are ye able. For ye are yet carnal, for whereas there is among you envying, and strife, and divisions, are ye carnal." - Paul
At that point, it really clicked for me. I imagined Paul going around with the other early Christians, in their black robes. And Paul is telling them these revolutionary ideas. And they aren't getting it because they are carnal beings, just completely enamored by the five senses. He almost says "are ye carnal" as if it is an insult, and it is in a sense. These teachings require us to create a distinct separation and discerning against what it carnal.
At the same time he is also highlighting all the divisions that the sensual mind creates. We might be meditating and we hear someone getting ready to go out the door, so the urge arises for us to go with them and get a coffee or go to a friends' house. This is a bit crude of an interpretation I do realize, however my point I am trying to make is that there is a distinction between that sensual mind and our conscious practicing mind. The sensual mind occupies us with thousands of different distractions, but it gives us nothing lasting.
As long as we remain the type of person who is wrapped up in the sensual world, we are carnal and can only ever benefit from the milk. Ultimately that means becoming very well read and having some experiences perhaps but knowing deep down that it can go further. We need to cut ourselves off from that side of life through the various modes of perception. Looking at life like it is a dream, SOL, etc. However, even more so then that, we need to cut time away from that carnal life in order to meditate.
It is that cutting away from the sensual life and segregating that time for meditation that we begin to open our spiritual eyes, exercise our crippled spiritual legs, and so forth. It seems that this comes with enormous pains as the sensual world is a very strong physical addiction. However, our different activities relate to our different level of Being. And if we want to ascend to the next level of being then we need to leave behind our old activities and take up new ones that are more relevant to the level of being that we aspire to.
Anyways, I just wanted to share these thoughts with fellow aspirants. Nothing changes because we say "now I'm getting serious!" however if we are recognizing and becoming conscious of our level of dedication, as we become more aware of our current situation then it becomes easier to plot out our map. To realize our course in life and the speed at which we are going. If we realize "hey my boat is taking on water!" or "at this speed, we'll be old and grey if we get there at all" then perhaps we will be a little more willing to make the sacrifices necessary.
As one enters into more meditative states, it is my philosophy to perhaps not feel convicted to certain practices. I've simply been reciting a mantra while going over my old memories. Memories are interesting so it does not become boring. Meditation is difficult because the ego poses a lot of resistance, if we are going to begin to work ourselves into it then it seems logical to me that we should begin working with memories because it is what the ego is constantly throwing at us anyways - our past. So at least with this approach we are going over it consciously, and then we can see egos arise.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven."
"The poor in spirit, or indigent of spirit, are actually those who recognize their own nothingness, shame and inner misery. This kind of being unquestionably receives Enlightenment." - Samael Aun Weor
Behold, we put bits in the horses' mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body.
Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth.
Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.
For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind: But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God. – James 3: 3-9