Clear Mind-Peaceful Heart- Where Art Thou?

Nothing is as easy as it seems when talked about. Recently my emotions seem to be getting the best of me. I'm easy to cry, and i feel like I literally want to scream... i feel unsetttled and i have many questions and thoughts going through my mind. I'm wondering about who i really am and what am i suppose to be doing...? I question the purpose of my job, the work that I do... I think about life and death a lot and try to put things into some type of perspective. While i say and think to myself the meaning of impermanence, i realize or discovered that I don't really get it.... i mean i know it and i see it, but i don't fully understand or absorb the thought.. because if i did, certain things might not bother me so much... when i think about death, sickness, geting old and forgeting my name, or who's who or where i am .... the thought of that frightens me and i can't pretend that it doesn't ...

I know that I am asleep and that it is very difficult for me to break thru so many boundaries mentally because 'm too lazy to stay up after prayer to meditatate even when the thhought goes through my mind that perhaps i should........the will power, and motivation is lacking and very weak.... and the fact that i know that makes me a bit angry with myself... Sometimes i wish i had someone to give me a pep=talk, some encouragement, some motivation..... Why do we feel so helpless sometimes... ? I was listening to one of the lectures and it is true, we do want it easy or for someone to wave a magic wand to make things easy or transparent...it is one of our many defaults... well one of mine .....

I guess you can tell by my rambling that there's a lot going on in my world right now and that i am identifying with them all. I know this as well, and I need to find a way to dis-connect, to step back to be quiet....but i feel like expressing right now ... writing about it... as an outlet... is something wrong with that? There is a lot of suffering around me with others.. Family loved one and people that i come in contact with from day to day. One thing is for sure, I can offer some small consulation a few dollars for food.... but that is it... it's too big for me... and it hurts my heart that i have no power to fix the suffering... Only God can and that is something I'm sure of...but if its not enough to belive, is belief enough to begin with? We all have to find our way from within.

In the part of the world where I am located, there are many flies and mosquitoes and i'm smashing them all the time. I ask my Lord to forgive me as they are livng things as well, but i think flies are filthy and the mosquitoes here transport Malaria, so I have not found the control to sit in meditation while either of them are buzzing in my ears.... I just can't do it... So, of course I am looking into other measures to control the situation as best I can.. I'mnot sure if you can relate....

I am open to receive help