How do I deal with those things?
I just broke a scale in a fit of rage because I thought my weight was "unfair". I can go for a lot of time without eating and my weight won't change, but when I'm starving and I eat something I gain a lot of weight, and it keeps adding up. I find this so unfair. I see myself incapable of staying below 260 pounds. I hate my body; I look like a whale.
Also, a lot of random nonsensical situations happen in my life, as if I'm cursed or the unluckiest man alive. During my frustration I start to make plans of revenge, plans of murder, evil plans in general. So what even is the point of keeping chastity if I lose control and become full of hatred, wanting people to die? Maybe I'm too immature for this path? I really wished to live a happy life free of suffering, but I think it's not for me.
I'm also enraged with my past. Enraged with the way I was treated as "black sheep". Enraged when successful people look down on me. Enraged with the fact that I will never have a wife. I'm 99% sure I will die a virgin, unless I pay for a escort or something. Even if I have money and good looks, I don't know how to approach or talk with the opposite sex.
I've had some glimpses of Eden, but they last seconds, and are surely substituted by a negative state almost instantly.