I decided to start practising staying conscious/mindful throughout the day. Even before finding out lectures, I many times observed how I would just lose seconds/minutes/hours because of the flow of thoughts happening in my mind. After listening to a couple of lectures I decided to try being conscious and preserving my energy throughout the day. The first day, after minutes of being at work my manager asked me what was wrong with me, and that I seemed different and upset. I said that nothing was wrong, but that made me extremely uncomfortable. Shortly after my boss has arrived and she asked me the exact same question, yet again I said that nothing is wrong, but she looked at me like she expected more than this short answer. I asked her why she was asking me and she said that I didn't seem like my "bubbly self". They kind of put pressure on me that made me want to try to explain myself, which resulted in the stream of inconsistent words, that I later regretted, but more couldn't comprehend how I could've avoided it.
I didn't want anyone thinking that I'm angry with them or that I am in the bad mood. When I was trying to stay conscious that put me in a state where I really didn't feel anything, happiness or sadness. I was just observing everything that was going on around me. One thing that I've noticed is how I couldn't stay conscious during a conversation with someone (I'm working with a lot of people), because of how fast things happen and I am unable to think quickly before I speak or think about what other people said without making myself seem strange. Often after the person is gone, I realise what has happened, what this person meant when they said certain things etc.
Obviously, there was a change in me but everyone else still stayed the same, talked about the same things, laughed at the same jokes etc. and expected me to get involved as I usually did. Wil all of this confusion of how to react to things other people say/ interactions with others resolve after long enough practice of staying mindful? Since then I have fallen back into old patterns a little bit, letting my thoughts take over and it seemed like they come back with double the intensity and manifested in very strange dreams.
Also after 2 days of practising mindfulness both days, I felt absolutely exhausted, with an ache that felt like a brain ache more than a headache. It was mild but consistent. I tried to preserve my energy, but I was using so much just on staying conscious. Is this normal in the beginning?