Before taking up the gnostic disciplines (transmutation, meditation, self observation, etc) I had quite a few lucid dreams and astral experiences, even from an early age, so this subject is something I have already experienced. But now, I have noticed only lots of confused and identified dreams, and a resounding lack of lucid experiences. I am not saying the gnostic discipline is causing this in the slightest, nor am I meaning to be impatient, I am just setting this up for the following question. I noticed I am often dreaming that I am self observing, but I am just thinking.
In the most recent dream I had, I was dreaming of a chicagognosis lecturer give a lecture about sufism and self observation, and he was explaining nonsense. And I responded to what he was saying by thinking about it, which altered the dream in strange/abstract ways. (I am not asking for an interpretation, this is just an example).
This dream is just one of many instances where I am identified and engaged in a pseudo-self observation. I understand this indicates I am not self observing properly during the day, which is a state I still struggle to really understand. I am preforming transmutation consistently, meditation, rites of rejuvenation, studying various lectures and scriptures, runes, (there was a short break recently due to a lack of willpower), and praying many times throughout the day.
I suppose I am writing this so I can see if I am lacking anything in this practice, so as to really self observe properly. I have intensely abused the intellectual center throughout my life, living every second without pause fantasizing and over-rationalizing, so I think this to be the cause of the difficulty to really step outside my mind. I am a degenerated person. Throughout the day I am never fantasizing or on “auto-pilot,” but my mind goes on and on without end, while I am always attempting to redirect awareness and stay conscious. But actively observing it is something difficult to comprehend, as I struggle just to be aware of my body and surroundings everyday and not be identified with thinking. My meditations are something similar: I never or maybe briefly forget I am meditating, but my mind chatters 100% of the time and I always slip up into thinking about the object of meditation, before pulling myself back and concentrating.
I have known about these these teachings for quite some time, but only have been really practicing for almost one month. I understand time is not relevant in radical transformation, nonetheless, I write this so the instructors may better understand.
I understand self observation is the basic practice, and considering in this life we do not have much time at all, that it still alludes me is disappointing and saddening. Is there something I am missing? If I am doing it right, do let me know
All advice is tremendously appreciated