Since you recognize there is a problem and you long for change, it is still possible for you to change. The reason you have not changed is because you have not comprehended the reality of your situation. Your understanding is still shallow.

You are in a fog and confusion because your desires don't want to change. Your desires sap your will and convince you that you have no power.

Your situation exists simply because you have not understood cause and effect. You have not understood the inevitable approach of death and where you will be after death. You may have the thoughts of these things, but you have not understood them. If you did, you will never, ever, commit those mistaken actions again.

Go visit homeless shelters, asylums, hospices, hospitals, graveyards: places where people are entering hell. Observe their suffering, and realize how your actions are leading you directly to those places. Do not simply imagine going to these places. You need to see firsthand the reality of the suffering you are heading towards. You don't know anything about suffering yet. If you persist in your mistaken actions, then your suffering is only just beginning.