I read Master Samael said that love leaves heart, it is like a child, it rarely comes back.
That is the case in my life.
I had a huge love in my heart. Particularly for a person, to a point that it guided me, that love transformed me. Even though I could not be with that woman, I still would transform myself everyday. I could meditate on my egos, astral project. I was close to Minor Mysteries.
But it started to fade. I met a girl, left that path. Left my transformation for my twin soul (I think that first love was my twin soul). I entered routine of common folk life. My love faded even more. I got divorce. Now love in heart is entirely gone.
I just couple of days ago remembered that I had such a thing in my heart when I dreamed my first love. Than I checked her social page and she looked exactly same in physical life as I saw her in dreams. It seems she tries to guide me.
But unfortunately. I feel nothing for no one. I feel empty. I can't return love to my heart. I keep devolving, degrading.
I can't stop that.
I don't even know why I write here.
Maybe someone could give me some idea.
Because I can't stop this degradation process. I am just so empty. Hopeless. Nihilistic.