You did clarify some things to me.
Maybe that is why I wrote.
You see that love I had was for my first love. The women I used to dream in my teens and later on met. But breaking up with her. But that break up en flamed me.
I felt immense love, found these teachings and had a mission to become better than I was. So after years I almost got first grade, The Minor Mystery (I believe my Being actually re-acquired it). How can be one be forgiven for screwing up some moths later after his Being achieved something?
But something happened. My love, for that girl, for humanity, for my Being started to fade. I felt all alone, I felt like no one. Then I met my ex-wife, which was a terrible mistake.
After years my whole love for anything was gone. Now I feel nothing.
How can be one be forgiven for screwing up some moths later after his Being achieved something?
You see by "soul mate" I meant that my first love was it. But somehow, I feel that it is a reflection of my Valkyrie, my feminine soul.
But. There is huge but. You see in one occasion, many years ago, while meditating, I heard The Voice of The Silence. I was meditating is my first love my partner and if I will ever be with her and the silence told me yes. I knew it deep in my Being. I know for sure. I know. My consciousness was awakened at that moment. But, I still am thinking could awakened consciousness still be mistaken?
That was illuminating void, the voice of the silence. It was couple of seconds, but for couple of years I was dazzled by that incident. I read Master Samael wrote that some masters used to hit by stick, or something like that, their students when they reached that state or else they get sick.
Well, I got sick. By severe bipolar depression. Nothing helps. And when I say nothing, I mean it. I really do. I was on therapy for couple of years. I tried medicine of roses, conjurations, meditation to point I lost ability to meditate, common medicine, transcranial magnetic stimulation, everything I could. I put several professional doctors on their feet. Eventually I got diagnosed with disability. I am only 40% employable. It's like having potato instead heart and cabbage instead head. And everyday I would become further away from my Being.
I feel like you are the person who could actually help me by guiding me. It's like you was in a difficult situation. It's like you know what I mean.
But what else I can do?
Even Beelzebub had love in his soul.
No one can achieve anything without that power of Divine Mother.
But it seems like I had some kind of rupture, separating me from love inside me. And now it's like continent separated into two and going different ways.
I know and you know there is no coincidence in life. Half a week ago or so I dreamed my "first love". In several years for the first time. She looked exactly the same in dream as she looks now in real life. It happened like before. I dreamed her and later on met her. This time of course is different. Something else. But could it be that I should try to reach that connection, put huge effort to try to reach deep meditation again? Could it be that it is energy of love is reaching me from great distance of my soul? Could it be that somehow "first love's" Being is trying to help my Being to reconnect me with my inner depths of psyche?
Like I don't know how to explain that. Probably I could, but not in our language. Probably universal language could explain what I mean, but I do not know that language and probably you don't know it yet too.
I don't know, Alexis, but I think you are somewhat able to understand me.
But I don't think I should bother you with my nonsense.
I remember how people used to think me that I am mad because I used to know what they will say, I used to see future. And I tried immensely to bring these teachings to people to a point I would do that in astral and then meet to talk with people in physical.
I used to feel that I have a mission and ability to retain people memories when I meet them in astral so I could instruct them in physical and I actually did.
But maybe I am just mad after all.
Because everyone I knew left these studies and separated any contact with me.
Anyway, sorry for so long text.
Probably it's just nonsense I wrote, that matters only to my ego.