Sitting for one to two hours a day with a chaotic mind is not meditation.
Even so, sitting to meditate will mean nothing if during the other twenty-two to twenty-three hours of the day you are distracted and identified.
Seeing that your mind is in chaos is a state of comprehension. This is the beginning of the meditative path of serenity as described in Buddhism and the nine stages of calm abiding.
But to go deeper, you must strengthen your consciousness through self-observation.
Do not label or rationalize what you experience. Comprehension is obtained through searching, looking, seeing with the consciousness, in more and more profound levels.
You don't need to answer these questions, but the following can serve you for reflection and understanding:
How do you act from day to day? Why do you act specific ways around certain people?
What are the thoughts, feelings, and impulses that occur within you from moment to moment, at your job, at home, with your family? Where do they arise, and for what purpose?
When do you tend to get angry? Why do you tend to get angry? With whom? How frequently?
What thoughts emerge when your self-esteem is hurt? Your pride? Vanity?
What do you mean by "comprehension"? Who in you wants to comprehend, and to comprehend what?
Who in you wants to change, and why?
Don't rationalize these points. SEE yourself. LOOK. Self-observation is not intellectual or mechanical. Self-observation is developed the more you use it and the more you choose to use it.
If you want to cease being a machine, to stop suffering, then make the right choices in how you use your mind, heart, and body. This is known as ethical discipline.
The point is that you are choosing to remain identified with your problems and your "spiritual" projections of what you want to achieve, and your projected plans of what a "gnostic" should do is making you despair.
People leave gnosis because they don't know how to use the consciousness and because they choose to indulge in negative behaviors.
Ethical discipline is the beginning: learning to actively use the consciousness without the interference of desire.
You stated that you see your defects. But why do you go along with them? Why do you feed them? If you feel dejected it's because you are doing it to yourself.
Therefore, with a lot of wisdom, Samael Aun Weor stated that if our psychological work is negative, it is due to our own fault.
If you see your defects and go along with them, you are defeating yourself. You've made the choice to invest your anger, pride, fear, despair, with energy.
If you as a consciousness really see your defects, then you will make the effort not to get carried along with them or to give your desires what they want.
All of this is choice. A superior level of being is always above us from moment to moment. The problem is that most of us make bad choices in how to act, in how we use our three brains, from moment to moment.
Inspiration arises when you as a consciousness see that you are not the body, affections, or the mind, but something more. You see that the reality within has nothing to do with suffering. This brings joy and strength when confronting defects of a diabolic and gargantuan nature.
Be patient with yourself, but have the courage to recognize where you continue to indulge in desire, what "I" want, what "I" crave.
When you see your defects, don't act on them. Don't indulge in the thoughts, feelings, or impulses that they force upon your consciousness, and which arise spontaneously without the least anticipation, unless we are vigilant and alert like watchmen in times of war.
Observation of the FACTS will lead you to further states of inspiration.
For thirty years I sought God. But when I looked carefully I found that in reality God was the seeker and I the sought. -Bayazid al-Bastami