At what point do I begin to gain understanding? I realize this is relative, but I have been studying this stuff for 6 months now. I have had a number of what I would call "experiences", but it's like I'm falling into an even deeper state of unconsciousness. I am getting more and more confused. The more I study, the less I understand.
I know that there is truth here. I have experienced it, but it just seems so random. One day I feel enlightened the next day I feel as though nothing makes any sense. Does there come a point where I feel as though I have some control over my own level of consciousness? I'm always on the very edge of something profound, then when I reach it. I can't get back to it! One day I'm astral traveling and the next I'm totally unconscious.
It's like I'm being shown these amazing experiences, then having them ripped out from under me. Sometimes it feels like it's not based on the work i'm doing at all. I'm just being shown my potential then thrown back to where I started.
I don't even know why I'm being given these experiences anymore. I don't know what to do with them when I have them. I am a complete screw up, I can't handle the responsibility of knowledge. What am I doing here? Obviously, there is some reason I'm being shown this stuff. Do reasons even exist? Do I even need one? I'm nobody and the more I continue the more I realize it. When do things start making more sense and not less?
How pathetic am I right now? Someone tell me this is normal. How can I comprehend the universe, I can't even comprehend one day to the next. Where am I, who am I, and what am I? Is there some point when it all just POPS! I feel like I'm going to pop. I have all this pressure in my head and I feel like it's going to burst through the top of my head but never does. Like my brain is just going to explode and my wife will wake up to a headless husband.
Where is this all going? I know the answer, it's up to me right? Arrrrghhhh.