Bear with me while I highlight a few points for discussion:
1. Normal sexuality: I was just reading about normal sexuality and it seems like something I have to attain to in order to transcend Infrasexuality. I daresay that the Ego has intervened whenever I have tried to take up a normal relationship with a woman I like, and nowadays I find myself feeling more worthless, jealous and negative than ever. I tell myself not to get disheartened, but in the face of such overwhelming karmic obstacles, I find myself losing hope with each day that passes.
2. Yearning for God: I am very ambitious for spiritual experiences and I desire that conscious contact with my inner Divinity or Atman of which all the great Masters have taught.
3. Fitting in: What is "normal" sexuality? In fact, what is a "normal" life? It would no doubt be difficult to characterise what a normal life is like, since this depends on our own capacities to live and work alongside others, our own individual propensities and talents. Still, I am tired of sitting on the sidelines and not really participating in life.
4. Fear: I notice that I am often driven by a fear-based mentality: fear of retribution from others, fear of divine punishment, fear of losing someone, fear of missing out.
5. Sanity: I often question my sanity, since I was diagnosed with delusions last year. This seems absurd given that the psychiatrists are themselves operating under the delusion of being faultlessly sane individuals, but then my delusions were recognisably abnormal and a product of a rapidly vacillating Superior "I". So, it is quite clear that something needs to be done.
I have received various pieces of helpful advice from various instructors on this message board, but I still don't know what exactly is wrong and how to solve it - how to change. It will no doubt take some hard work to achieve normal sexuality, to fulfil my yearning for God, conform to society, overcome fear, and achieve perfect sanity, but I am at a loss how to begin my spiritual practices. There is more than one prayer I can pray and more than one approach to meditation I can take. There is more than one woman I could be pursuing, and frankly I don't feel any particular affinity with one woman, though I would prefer to rekindle the relationship I initiated some six years ago. Unfortunately, this young lady has a boyfriend now and seems very happy with him, as though I never existed or made a difference in her life.
I feel the dire necessity for a total and drastic change and would like nothing more than to slay the "I" dead. Further help would be much appreciated, and if you instructors who have advised me in the past could expand on your suggestions and recommendations, that would be great.
Apologies if this all comes across as a bit pessimistic, I've not felt well recently due to these problems. I would really appreciate some advice, guidance and most of all encouragement on my way, and I offer my encouragement to my fellow students - you have done well to make it this far and I wish you all the very best in your Gnostic endeavours. Also many thanks to the instructors, who are working tirelessly with even the most seemingly hopeless of aspirants
and deserve to be commended on their unflagging efforts.