What makes life really difficult for me are emotions. This may seem a simple question, but how to control them? Mostly, the answer given is: by observing, neither repressing nor indulging, by finding the source and eradicate the ego behind them. This sounds practicable but up to now didn’t work (for me) as much. As a single practitioner it is extremely hard to get rid of any of them, ‘cause Maithuna the strongest force of all cannot be applied. And single is what I am again.
After discovering that the wonderful person I have loved for many years, has many lovers besides me (and has had them all the time secretly) I quit the relationship. We are of different nationalities/cultures and live far from each other, even on different continents, so I cannot judge that attitude justly. It seems to be a polygamous concept, but for me is not a base that brings good. Living far away is not a good base either. Neither are lies which I have been told. We have seen each other only periodically and I wanted to move there so we could live together. But in response I was told “no”, that every one of us has a specific task to perform in our respective places where nature has placed us by birth, and that only after fulfilling our tasks maybe later we can live together.
I seem to know that this is a pretext, if not a lie. So there is no excuse for me to stay in such a relationship even if there is love beyond all conditions.
I am tormented now by memories, disappointment, doubts, and love at the same time, and do often yield to despair.
I have tried many different means in order to rein in my feelings, especially lower emotions. So alternately I worked with mantra, pranayama, meditation, sports, laughing, affirmation, prayer, changing bad thoughts into good ones willfully, singing joyful songs, mental chanting, clearing things up through writing in a diary, listening to music in order to get tuned otherwise ... All of them do help only for the time practiced, if at all. So I am busy the whole day in mantralizing or running, transmuting, writing, praying, but as soon as I stop the action the effect fades. And I have to stop because I have work to do (profession) and I am getting exhausted by running against the storm all the time. I am chased by tristesse. The faculty of meditation is completely lost. I am loosing hope. The will to try any further is gone. The spiritual path is on its edge and there are days I do not want to live at all because effort does not make sense to me any more. It would be nice to go with the flow of life. But if the flow is throwing us over churning whitewater and stony waterfalls will we survive? In fact, death would be better. I have been in these practices almost four years now, always trying to die in the ego and looking for the good time to come. But now it just burst like a bubble. I do not know why I am still there. I really wonder why God continues to wake me up every morning from deep sleep or dream only to be here on the surface and suffer more.
Sometimes when I read forum posts of people who do suffer a lot, I pray for them. I hope it helps at least a little bit to alleviate their pain. Maybe if you have a minute … can you please pray for me? If it is true that we are all permeated by the same Spirit and Self whom we call GOD, it will surely help.
Thank you! May Love bless you!