A gnostic instructor once told me one should never tell anybody about his internal experiences.
But since this profile is anonymous, and i don't have anyone else to ask advice in these matters, and as i really need an advice or explanation,
i decided to write my history, sincerely hoping someone to bring some light to my comprehension.
(And pardon my bad english, i'll probably commit some gramatical mistakes)
So. It was january 07 2014, after a few weeks of celibacy, when i made a decision: i would never again fornicate, at least physically, and would give everything i
could to completely purify myself and to encarnate the Innermost in this same existence. I start practicing self analysis, meditation and runes almost violently
in order to transmutate my sexual energies and to die in myself. I stopped all my bad habits and reviewed my entire life, and felt sincere repentance and yearned
to be in harmony with my innermost.
I took it VERY seriously.
I hardly sleep, and investigate my mind and my past almost 24/7, while walking, sitting or resting. I had no obligations, so i aplied all my time on this.
2 or 3 months later i felt my spinal fire awakening, aswel as my internal senses. Started seeing, hearing and feeling so many amazingly beautiful
or sinisterly horrible things. I didn't tell anyone, then, but i belive i could hear other peoples toughts and feelings. I experienced an deep and STRONG continuous
ecstasy and pleasure (Ananda) and had many experiences with god and my divine mother and understood that I am nothing and will never be nothing, but
He is God.
I will not tell all the details about what i experienced and what i did because it is very intimate and nowadays i simply cannot do it again, i'm not in that state anymore.
I was living with my parents, that time, and they became very worried about my mental condition, cause i could'nt control myself in many situations and totally stopped
sleeping. When I was exhausted, i slept and had unique out of body experiences, very different from what i had already lived.
I dare say that i experienced Jinas states.
I was 20 years old then and, in continuous samadhi, almost diying physically, became very thin.
I decided to find a girlfriend, because i couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't sleep AT ALL and was completely crazy and/or enlightened.
Long story short: i asked a girl on a date, we are still together nowadays.
All my visions, supernatural experiences, instant wisdoms and miracles ceased completely and after a while i falled in profound depression. 2015 was terrible for me, i
fought against my sadness in order to get a job and take responsabilities, my relationship with the girl turned completely troubled and i felt like i was made of lead.
I think i'm again a 'normal' person (in the sense that i'm have an "normal" sex life and my feelings and toughts are as normal as the rest of the town) and i now live
in my own house and have a stable job, not depending economically on my parents anymore.
But i still don't have any answers! I don't know if i went completely insane or had legit experiences with god! I don't know if i should continue with this girl, cause
i dont feel like i love her anymore, i dont know nothing! I'm completely lost and have NO IDEA what to do from now on! I still want to be chaste and to encarnate my innermost
but my relationship with this girl is completely messed, and i don't know if it will be OK, spiritually speaking, if i break up with her, cause we practiced maithuna some times.
Please, clarify this to me! Can i ever experience that again? Have i lost all chances of salvation? What i did wrong? Will i violate the law if i break up with her?
May the White Lodge bless you with peace, health and joy. Thank you from the bottom of my soul.