The Lord has placed this burden upon my heart for some time now to write a testimony and in the last couple of days it has been burning in my heart.
To begin, since I was young I always knew something great would happen in my lifetime. I thirsted for freedom in a radical way. Of course, I mistranslated this inner energy as there being some kind of outer revolution. When I was led to the gnostic teachings and I began reading, I knew this is what I was searching for my whole life and didn't know it. It was never an outer revolution, but an inner revolution.
I rejoiced at knowing we have an inner Father and Mother and felt so relieved knowing that chastity was the way. I knew and embraced that my purpose was the inner work. I devoured enough of Master Samael's work to begin working immediately because I was overflowing with things within that needed to die and I could not bear another moment living in that state of anxiety and uncertainty of life. The moment I called out to my Holy Mother, there she was. She became alive and known as if she had been waiting patiently for eternity for me to call upon her. The veil that was once there was now torn.
Since then I daily dedicated myself to self observation and elimination of the I's. The purpose of my day and my prayer was "God, today I pray that I may die so that I may live". I confess that I loved the work. Observation of myself and gaining comprehension and elimination of the I's was fun and fascinating. It was not "work" to me, I was simply very willing to be radically honest with myself and revelation after revelation would come.
Despite this, in the beginning I was very "elimination of the I" focused. This was good, but I did not know my Father. Not because I didn't want to, because I desperately did. But because I had a lot of conditioning from my earth background, family and earth father that prevented me from "boldly approaching the throne". I thought God was too busy to deal with me with everyday issues. I thought I was a burden. I didn't want to ask for too much. I only spoke to my Father about absolutely essential matters regarding the work. I thought God "providing all my needs" meant living in a shack with some food and water. I accepted this and was happy that provision was given at all! My mentality was one that I was only pleasing to God when I did The Work and I had a kind of servant mentality. I "tried" really hard and I felt condemned a lot because I did not know grace or understand my real identity. I had a difficult time receiving love.
I felt like there was a three way split. God, me and then the "I"'s. I knew when an "I" came up. But who was I the rest of the time?
I could self observe but how can I remember God from moment to moment if I do not know God fully? How can I remember that which I do not know?
Thank God our Lord Jesus began pursuing me deeply. I have been on this path four years now but since the last 11 months I have undergone radical change due to the grace of God and knowing Him.
I knew that if I did not receive God's love that I could not actually love anything or anyone else but only "try to" do so.
I began reading and meditating on the Word and learning about Jesus. I decided I will be "constant in prayer" (Romans 12:12) and instead of meditation and prayers in the mornings and night and then "going about my day", I began communing with God 24/7. I renounced all "personal thoughts", meaning all the illusionary supposed private thoughts we have everyday I replaced with talking to my Father about everything, no matter how small.
I started with this: "God thank you that you love me." Even though I didn't "feel it", fully understand it, etc. It is nevertheless the truth.
I renounced feelings, personal opinions, imaginations and "took every thought captive to the obedience of Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5) I placed the Word above my life. Made Jesus Lord above all things. I was someone very prone to be melancholy and identified with feelings but I set that aside : "Father even though there is a depressive energy within my body today, I thank you that I don't live by feelings but by Truth. Even though it feels like you are far away, I thank you that you "never leave me nor forsake me" and you're always with me "(Deuteronomy 31:6). It's funny but once I stopped caring and living for and fighting feelings, it has been filled with the peace and joy of God. I also rejoice because I know when some heaviness comes about after doing much work it is because "every exhalation is preceded by a terrible humiliation" - (Master Samael Aun Weor) and that just a little bit and I will find some relief as things from deep within are coming up to die.
When I became identified with an "I" or had a wrong thought of another person instead of feeling condemned and wasting time being down, I began thinking and praying differently: "Lord, thank you that anger is not who I am and Holy Spirit that you convicted me as soon as the thought appeared. Please give me deeper understanding as to why I felt that way, thank you for your incredible grace and I know that person is precious in your sight. Please give me your perspective so I can see others through your eyes."
So using the Word, I communed with God and the Word became alive, it truly is Spirit and Life. God showed me to approach Him as a son (used for both men and women) of God "So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God".( Galatians 4-7) and this changed everything. I focused on receiving the love of God and abiding in the Lord because "whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15: 5).
This has radically changed everything. One of the major things is that I used to have the idea that I would be happy and peaceful sometime in the future once enough I's that caused suffering died. I was wrong. By abiding in the Lord, I have a supernatural peace that is by the grace of God. Now. The grace of God is a real and living substance, not just some word.
I was afraid (accused by inner Satan) that approaching God in this way as a child (son instead of sinner) would make me lax about the I's and I would fall into unrighteousness but in fact the opposite has happened because it's the "goodness of God that leads you to repentance" (Romans 2:4) . I am more sober than ever, my conscience has been radically cleaned on such a deep level. The ego is dying in a profound and rapid manner. I can enter into deeper levels of my unconscious and see my infraconscious without fear or wanting to hide it because I know God's love and grace and only by entering into the deeper darkness of my psyche will the fullness of God's grace be revealed. I lay my whole psyche, thoughts and inner workings plainly to God so He can do a work in me. I do not "try hard" anymore. The one who has to "try" is the "I". All I do is say yes to God, be in agreement with Him, and surrender every little detail. Then the whole work is pretty much done through me. Holy Spirit convicts me, Divine Mother gives understanding, then destroys it. My only job is to look at it. Through the grace of God I self observe, remember dreams, astral project, read the Word, meditate, transmute etc. I only need to be radically transparent and honest with myself and God and ask my heavenly mom and dad for ALL things. God loves me and this love overflows and I see people through His perspective and I don't try to love, it simply happens. I don't worry about anything because God provides everything, takes care of everything because He loves me. He does not only love us "because we do the work". He loves us unconditionally. Oh and the idea that providing needs meant living in a shack with some food and water? God is SO generous and giving it brings me tears. I got rid of the idea that God is difficult to hear. The more I abide and commune the more I hear God clearly in the Spirit. The more I chill with God the more I thirst for holiness and the problems and temptations that the I's long for are a zero and have no voice.
There is so much more. But it all comes from knowing God, communing with God always and receiving God's love. God is amazing, full of grace and mercy. God is also a lot more relaxed, fun and chill than people think. Life in God is super fun.
I know this is long and there is a lot of personal prayers and information, but it is not about me and what I do or to show a method. There is no method in talking to God. This is to help people who have a hard time with condemnation, shame, guilt, receiving God's love, who are sincere and trying hard but failing and that whole cycle. I know how much personal stories and testimonies help me and God really wants me to lay it all out here. I feel like a lot of people "leave" the path because they haven't "tasted that the Lord is good" (1 Peter 2:3). God longs to have a deep relationship with all His children.
The work isn't something we should "do" as a kind of obligation but because we want to be free and be who we really are! Made in His image! God loves us so radically and unconditionally. We are made to depend on God and made in His image, to be love. The ego is a false identity, it has nothing to do with us, so let us "put off the old self…and put on the new self" (Ephesians 4:14). To approach God as sons, change the way we talk to God, receive the love and grace of God and see ourselves as God sees us. From this place flows everything: comprehension, revelation, a love for others, right perspective, motive and knowing how to help others, healing, a love and thirst for heavenly things, peace and so much more!
So in short, Gnosis is everything. Through it I am dying in order to live. My life has purpose, meaning and joy. I know my vocation. Thank God for the instructors who put together this amazing site and also to the amazing web designer for such a beautiful layout that really makes the site and teachings attractive and professional and authentic. God has really blessed you.
So thank you for reading and thank you Holy Spirit for placing a grace upon these words and breathing Life into these words because without you, these are just a bunch of words and thank you that whoever needs to receive this, does so deeply. Thank you God for purifying our hearts and cleaning our minds and revealing to us your amazing nature. Our joy is not in circumstances, feelings, activities or life but in you; knowing you and having a relationship with you. Your love is everything.
"For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed." (Romans 8:19)