I don't think I am doing what I came to his world for. The job that I have currently is one that many people would dream of - it is in one of the best advisory firms, situated in the center of the financial district in a large city.
I moved to this city 5 years ago when it was difficult to get a job. But I could get one, not immediately of course. My idea was to live independently, away from my country where the collective mindset was different from mine. However, in order to live in this city I had to work harder than ever. I had been in the advisory world for quite a long time still to be fascinated by the great employee packages, career and learning opportunities, business trips, etc. Honestly, all I wanted was to pay my bills and meet the income level required for the type of visa I held. But I started to realise, more clearly than ever, that it was not something which made me joyous. If earlier, when I was younger, I was driven by prestige and intellectual curiosity now I felt indifferent to all these things. At times I was able to find joy in the work by thinking as if it was a game or by interacting with other people, but overall I was not motivated and ambitious. I moved a few departments, still not finding my place. But late last year I was assigned a challenging project abroad which I completed at a timeframe and quality no one thought it was possible. I enjoyed the project but work was all I was doing throughout those few months. After I finished the project and came back to the office reality I felt emptiness, and, both physically and mentally, depleted. Soon I got a flu virus which kept me feeling unwell for months. The senior management was very supportive to me when I was feeling unwell. When I retuned to work they did mot want to burden me with hard tasks, but another project kicked off, and I had to work hard again.
Often I found myself thinking that I am not doing the work I came to this world to do, and therefore I decided to change it to something closer to my heat. Just the realisation of this was a big relief. I started to feel happier, knowing that I am doing this work only temporarily. I tried to change my attitude and started to practice acceptance, live in the now and learn from human relationships rather than the job itself. The overall experience became more enjoyable, but the actual work still did not motivate me. I was just floating on the surface to demonstrate that I did what was right to do but my heart was not there. I started to explore other opportunities - did what I loved to do after work as much as I could, attended trainings in arts and crafts, agreed to do lecturing in a few universities, etc. I intend to have my own business, and I know I am going to offer people something unique for which they are going to come back again and again, but I am not quite certain what it is yet. I have vague ideas, but not sure which road to take. I even signed to a membership and paid some initial investment only later to realise that it was not exactly what I wanted and I was going further from where I wanted.
In the meantime at work I got promoted which was not happening for 3.5 years. I think as I started to be more neutral and self observant I became more conscious and happier. The practice in our firm is such that you need to start a promotion "campaign" at least 1 year ahead. In my case I did nothing, moreover, I was ready to be fired any minute, as I was sometimes being too dispassionate.
I talked to many of friends - they think that I am not appreciating what I have. They say, that my recent success at work is a sign that I am on a right road. People at work really respect me more now at work, and I have a good network within the firm. I have built it all throughout past 3-4 years in the firm. I have capitalised my knowledge, networks, but all that is a mind talk that persuades me to stay where I am which my heart does not accept.
I don't know whether I need to do abrupt changes in my life - i.e. look for other jobs immediately (I don't even know when and how to start because I want a completely different type of work I cannot even to formulate) or go with the flow 'enjoying' my new position in the firm in the hope and belief that it will lead me to the right place as I have the intention to have my own business one day. My other friends tell me that I need to spend my evenings and weekends on my hobbies and slowly set the foundation for my own business but my work is such that it requires late hours, or sometimes work in the weekends, leaving me without any free energy to switch to something else. Sometimes I eat only at the desk, and at night cannot switch off because my mind is still racing. Please could, you advise me something?
I know I need to live in the moment, do self observation, etc, but the life goes on, and being stuck in the office day and night is not what I think I came to this world for